Emo Philips Quotes

82 quotes in 998 categories

• People come up to me... concerned... that I'll reproduce.
• I tried body surfing once, but how often do you find a corpse?
• The American government is making nuclear weapons like there's no tomorrow.
• People come up to me and say, 'Emo, do people really come up to you?'
• I was feeling a bit down, I went to a therapist a few times, at a hundred bucks a pop. But then I realized that…
• Ambiguity is the devil's volleyball.
• The question is absurd: when you ask, 'If God is both all good and all powerful, why then does He allow suffering?', what you are…
• Probably the toughest time in anyone's life is when you have to murder a loved one because they're the devil.
• I go from stool to stool in singles bars hoping to get lucky, but there's never any gum under any of them.
• I got some new underwear the other day. Well, new to me.
• You know what I hate? Indian givers... no, I take that back.
• My classmates would copulate with anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself.
• The way I understand it, the Russians are sort of a combination of evil and incompetence... sort of like the Post Office with tanks.
• I was walking down fifth avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought:…
• I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is.…
• A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
• When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way…
• How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.
• My computer beat me at checkers, but I sure beat it at kickboxing.
• I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.

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