Mitch Hedberg

(1968–2005) Screenwriter United States

405 quotes in 1472 categories

Mitch Hedberg was a screenwriter from the United States.

Quick Facts About Mitch Hedberg

Born: February 24, 1968
Died: March 29, 2005
Nationality: United States
Profession: Screenwriter

About Mitch Hedberg

Mitchell Lee Hedberg was an American stand-up comedian. He was known for his one-liner comedy, characterized by surreal humor and his distinctive deadpan delivery, as well as his unconventional stage presence.

Biography source: Wikipedia

Quotes by Mitch Hedberg · Page 7

I have some speakers up here, thank God, because last night I didn't have them and I was telling jokes and I…

Mitch Hedberg

Funny

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If you can't sleep, count sheep. Don't count endangered animals. You will run out.

Mitch Hedberg

Animal

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If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be messed-up.

Mitch Hedberg

Carrots

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Well, I was lost but now I live here! I have severely improved my predicament!

Mitch Hedberg

Comedian

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“I like an escalator because an escalator can never break, it can only become stairs.”

Mitch Hedberg

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I went to a tent store. "What kind of tent do you need?" "Circus."

Mitch Hedberg

Circus

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Have you ever tried sugar or PCP?

Mitch Hedberg

Funny

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A friend said to me, "I think the weather is trippy." I said, "No, man, it's not the weather that's trippy, perhaps…

Mitch Hedberg

Friendship

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I went to a cigar store, the man behind the counter asked me, "What kind of cigars do you like?" I answered,…

Mitch Hedberg

Behinds

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Some comics get drunk before a show. I don't. When I get drunk, I don't want to stand in front of a…

Mitch Hedberg

Bunch

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I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free…

Mitch Hedberg

Brain

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I used to drink wine. This girl asked me, "Doesn't wine give you a headache?" "Yeah, eventually, but the first and the…

Mitch Hedberg

Drink

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I went to a heavy metal concert. The singer yelled out, "How many of you people feel like human beings tonight?" And…

Mitch Hedberg

Animal

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People on the 14th floor, you know what floor you’re really on.

Mitch Hedberg

People

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The commercial for Diet Dr. Pepper says it tastes just like regular Dr. Pepper. Well, then they screwed up!

Mitch Hedberg

Diets

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As an adult, I'm not supposed to go down slides. So if I'm at the top of a slide, I have to…

Mitch Hedberg

Adults

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It's weird... people say they're not like apes. Now how do you explain football then?

Mitch Hedberg

Football

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I have no problem not listening to the Temptations.

Mitch Hedberg

Communication

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Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8?

Mitch Hedberg

Clouds

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I would imagine that if you could understand Morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.

Mitch Hedberg

Code

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I was in a convenience store, reading a magazine. The clerk told me, "this is not a library!" "OK! I will talk…

Mitch Hedberg

Clerks

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A minibar is a machine that makes everything expensive. When I take something out of the minibar, I always fathom that I'll…

Mitch Hedberg

Asks

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A burrito is a sleeping bag for ground beef.

Mitch Hedberg

Bags

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This shirt is dry clean only. Which means... it's dirty.

Mitch Hedberg

Clean

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Sometimes I get really lonely. Especially when I'm throwing a Frisbee.

Mitch Hedberg

Frisbee

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Mitch Hedberg by topic

Funny (270) Humor (251) Ifs (74) Knows (46) Thinking (37) People (37) Want (36) Said (31) Guy (28) Needs (25) Two (23) Time (23) I can (20) Friendship (19) Way (18)