If Bill Gates is worth $30 billion then a good haircut must cost $31 billion — Dennis Miller Billions Copy Share Image
I love this country for several reasons, not the least of which is that I know I'm allowed to hate it if… — Dennis Miller Country Copy Share Image
Just be good and kind to your children. Not only are they the future of the world, they're the ones who can… — Dennis Miller Be good Copy Share Image
Parenting is the easiest job to get - you just have to screw up once and it's yours. — Dennis Miller Jobs Copy Share Image
I'm a tad paranoid. I think the person in front of me is following me the long way round. — Dennis Miller Following Copy Share Image
Let me use their own terminology against them. They aborted a child in the 200th trimester. — Dennis Miller Agnostic Copy Share Image
“Big Pharma prefers the model of mail order pharmacy where prescription drug orders are filled the same way that Amazon.com fills orders… — Dennis Miller Copy Share Image
Growing up, my family wasn't very tight. We were more like a tour group with secrets. — Dennis Miller Family Copy Share Image
I'll say this about the war protesters: At least most of them are only putting duct tape across their mouths so I… — Dennis Miller Ass Copy Share Image
Women don't like guys who are dangerous. Women just want us to think that because women are trying to kill us. — Dennis Miller Dangerous Copy Share Image
In view of all the deadly computer viruses that have been spreading lately, Weekend Update would like to remind you: when you… — Dennis Miller Computer Copy Share Image
Pat Buchanan is so homo-phobic, he blames global warming on the AIDS quilt. — Dennis Miller Aids Copy Share Image
Liberals should not overplay this weapons of mass destruction card, because you want me to tell you the truth? Most of us… — Dennis Miller Care Copy Share Image
Ouch! And Marino goes down quicker than his Boonesfarm-infused sister in the back of my '68 Cutlass on our first date after… — Dennis Miller First date Copy Share Image
I think we have to help the helpless. The clueless? I don't give a rat's ass about the clueless. — Dennis Miller Ass Copy Share Image
I don't have credibility, I'm a comedian. I'm not Ed Murrow up on the roof in a London fog reporting on the… — Dennis Miller Comedian Copy Share Image
I went to the UN and even the guidebook was spineless. — Dennis Miller Inspirational Copy Share Image
If some unemployed punk in New Jersey, can get a cassette to make love to Elle McPherson for $19.95, this virtual reality… — Dennis Miller Cassettes Copy Share Image
Born again?! No, I'm not. Excuse me for getting it right the first time. — Dennis Miller Birth Copy Share Image
A good rule of thumb is if you've made it to 35 and your job still requires you wear a nametag, you've… — Dennis Miller Errors Copy Share Image
The average Americans day planner has fewer holes in it than Ray Charless dart board. — Dennis Miller Funny Copy Share Image
Trends don't mean anything to me. If I like something, I'll do it. If I don't, I won't do it, and I… — Dennis Miller Care Copy Share Image
Other than the bombs they strap to their chests, Ive got no idea what makes the Palestinians tick. — Dennis Miller Bombs Copy Share Image
