All Bill Maher Quotes
- If conservatives get to call universal healthcare 'socialized medicine,' I get to call private, for-profit healthcare 'soulless, vampire bastards making money off human pain.' Bastards
- New Rule: Someone must x-ray my stomach to see if the Peeps I ate on Easter are still in there, intact and completely undigested. And… Ate
- If Jesus was a Jew, why did he have a Spanish name? Agnostic
- What is it with conservatives? Seriously, I'm not trying to be partisan but it seems like if they're anti-illegal alien, they have illegal aliens working… Alien
- When it comes to religion, we're not two sides of the same coin, and you don't get to put your unreason up on the same… Based
- The only thing I hate worse than prophecy is self-fulfilling prophecy Fulfilling
- The difference between a GOP convention and Comic-Con is that the people at Comic-Con have a much firmer grasp of reality. Comic
- New rule: Tulips aren't flowers. They're some kind of gay onion. Flower
- Greed can overtake smart. Greed
- The idea that men are from Mars and women are from Venus is a bunch of bullshit. Treat her like you would a friend, and… Bullshit
- As you go down the path of life, ask whats true. Not who else believes it. Ask
- To most Christians, the Bible is like a software license. Nobody actually reads it. They just scroll to the bottom and click 'I Agree'. Actually Reads
- To all conservative women out there: If you are so sure the embryo needed for stem cell research are precious human life that can't be… All
- Tea Party has now cost the Republicans 5 senate seats. My next donation is going to them. Cost
- Every asshole who ever chanted 'Drill baby drill' should have to report to the Gulf coast today for cleanup duty. Asshole
- At some point in the last 20 years, the left moved to the center, and the right moved into a mental institution. Center
- In New York now, they have Harvey Milk High School for gay students. They don't have much of a football team, but the half-time show… Football
- Married men live longer. Yes. And an indoor cat also lives longer. It's a furball with a broken spirit, that can only look out on… Broken
- In America, you’re allowed to justify almost any kind of bigotry, sexism, or intolerance if you source it to God’s big book of bad ideas. Allowed
- Denying racism is the new racism Denying
- Halloween is a day when we all get to fool people into thinking we're someone else. Or as Mitt Romney calls it, campaigning. All
- The reason I love my dog so much is because when I come home, he's the only one in the world who treats me like… Beatles
- Between Ron Paul and Rick Perry, I think the lesson is don't get sick in Texas. Get Sick
- Ask your doctor if getting off your ass is right for you Ask
- Stupidity is not another form of knowledge. Another Form