Comedy Quote by Amy Schumer

I donated blood today. That's what I call getting an AIDS test.

— Amy Schumer

I made out with a homeless guy by accident. I had no idea -- he was really tan, he had no shoes on. I…

— Amy Schumer

“... and left decimated. Not for myself, but for all the single women out there trying to date. I wanted to run to the…

— Amy Schumer

I tend to eat pretty healthy, though, and I work out - I work out hard.

— Amy Schumer

I'll never forget how she told us. She took us all out to brunch, and she was like, 'You guys, I'm keeping this one.'

— Amy Schumer

Now every idiot from high school's like, 'I'm back!' We weren't supposed to meet again. Stop poking me and inviting me to your weird…

— Amy Schumer

My mom made me think I was gorgeous. When I was younger she was like, 'Look at you! You're an angel. You sparkle!' And…

— Amy Schumer

To be really great, you need to be naturally funny in order to stand out. But you can work at it, and find the…

— Amy Schumer

I don't feel any sense of competition at all, and that might be my naïveté, but I don't feel pitted against anyone at all.

— Amy Schumer

Let's all just follow the lead of Glamour, and join forces and lift each other up.

— Amy Schumer

I like people who are predictable.

— Amy Schumer

I am very into making up my own rules.

— Amy Schumer