I made out with a homeless guy by accident. I had no idea -- he was really tan, he had no shoes… — Amy Schumer Copy Share Image
Out of nowhere she tells me that Oliver Stone - you know, the director - she's like, 'He has this huge Asian… — Amy Schumer Copy Share Image
She's always bragging about the dumbest stuff. The other day she was telling me, she's like, 'You know I can still fit… — Amy Schumer Copy Share Image
You know what the worst part about my drinking is? When I'm drunk I slur. You know, like I say racial slurs.… — Amy Schumer Copy Share Image
I'm so in love with my boyfriend right now. Everything is perfect, but we want totally different things in bed. Like, he's… — Amy Schumer Copy Share Image
I understand why so many female comics quit or change their path, because it is hard. It's hard to be a comedian,… — Amy Schumer Copy Share Image
You know what they say: 'Once you go black, your parents don't talk to you anymore. — Amy Schumer Copy Share Image
The kids didn't call me Amy Schumer; they called me Amy Jewmer. One summer, I'll never forget this, all the kids took… — Amy Schumer Copy Share Image
It's a weird age. They're like, 'Amy, I'm pregnant.' And I still don't know whether to be like, 'Congratulations,' or 'Do you… — Amy Schumer Copy Share Image
I want to keep working really hard at getting better at stand-up and touring, and I can't imagine a time when I… — Amy Schumer Copy Share Image
I feel like you know what you're going to be good at when you're older based on what you like when you're… — Amy Schumer Copy Share Image
I finally just slept with my high school crush. But I swear; now he expects me to go to his graduation -… — Amy Schumer Copy Share Image
I made out with a homeless guy by accident. I had no idea -- he was really tan, he had no shoes on. I… — Amy Schumer Copy Share Image
“... and left decimated. Not for myself, but for all the single women out there trying to date. I wanted to run to the… — Amy Schumer Copy Share Image
I tend to eat pretty healthy, though, and I work out - I work out hard. — Amy Schumer Copy Share Image
I'll never forget how she told us. She took us all out to brunch, and she was like, 'You guys, I'm keeping this one.' — Amy Schumer Copy Share Image
Now every idiot from high school's like, 'I'm back!' We weren't supposed to meet again. Stop poking me and inviting me to your weird… — Amy Schumer Copy Share Image
My mom made me think I was gorgeous. When I was younger she was like, 'Look at you! You're an angel. You sparkle!' And… — Amy Schumer Copy Share Image
To be really great, you need to be naturally funny in order to stand out. But you can work at it, and find the… — Amy Schumer Copy Share Image
I don't feel any sense of competition at all, and that might be my naïveté, but I don't feel pitted against anyone at all. — Amy Schumer Copy Share Image
Let's all just follow the lead of Glamour, and join forces and lift each other up. — Amy Schumer Copy Share Image
