I want to quit. Not performing, but being a woman altogether. I want to throw my hands in the air, after reading… — Amy Schumer Copy Share Image
I say if I'm beautiful. I say if I'm strong. You will not determine my story - I will. — Amy Schumer Copy Share Image
I only wear heels when it's 100-percent required, and even sometimes not then. I have to talk myself into a bra. I've… — Amy Schumer Copy Share Image
Comedy isn't really something where you get discovered. You can't network your way to being funny or talented. It's not hard to… — Amy Schumer Copy Share Image
Whatever the joke is has to be funny, and not coming from a mean-spirited place. I think some things are totally off… — Amy Schumer Copy Share Image
The truth is, whoever I've dated, if I've ever wanted to talk about them on stage, I've asked them first, and I've… — Amy Schumer Copy Share Image
I may sound like a megalomaniac, but I feel like I'm equipped to become a great, memorable comedian, if I keep working… — Amy Schumer Copy Share Image
I made out with a homeless guy by accident. I had no idea -- he was really tan, he had no shoes on. I… — Amy Schumer Copy Share Image
“... and left decimated. Not for myself, but for all the single women out there trying to date. I wanted to run to the… — Amy Schumer Copy Share Image
I tend to eat pretty healthy, though, and I work out - I work out hard. — Amy Schumer Copy Share Image
I'll never forget how she told us. She took us all out to brunch, and she was like, 'You guys, I'm keeping this one.' — Amy Schumer Copy Share Image
Now every idiot from high school's like, 'I'm back!' We weren't supposed to meet again. Stop poking me and inviting me to your weird… — Amy Schumer Copy Share Image
My mom made me think I was gorgeous. When I was younger she was like, 'Look at you! You're an angel. You sparkle!' And… — Amy Schumer Copy Share Image
To be really great, you need to be naturally funny in order to stand out. But you can work at it, and find the… — Amy Schumer Copy Share Image
I don't feel any sense of competition at all, and that might be my naïveté, but I don't feel pitted against anyone at all. — Amy Schumer Copy Share Image
Let's all just follow the lead of Glamour, and join forces and lift each other up. — Amy Schumer Copy Share Image
