New York now leads the world's great cities in the number of people around whom you shouldn't make a sudden move. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
He opened a window in my heart, and the light of the world shined in. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Number one way life would be different if dogs ran the world: All motorists must drive with head out window. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
You folks like TV, you watch a lot of TV? There's a show right here on CBS, it's a huge hit. It's… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Interesting survey in the current Journal of Abnormal Psychology: New York City has a higher percentage of people you shouldn't make any… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Donald Trump has a great campaign slogan: 'A complex world demands complex hair.' — David Letterman Copy Share Image
The world's oldest woman passed away at 116. They keep dying. I think that title may be cursed. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
The Japanese Prime Minister has apologized for Japan's part in World War II. However, he still hasn't mentioned anything about karaoke. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
If you didn’t believe it before — and it’s easy to understand how you might have been sceptical on this point —… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Donald Trump may be running for president. He said he is sick and tired of the rest of the world laughing at… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
The new 'Mad Max' movie takes place in a post-apocalyptic world. I have a small part in 'Mad Max.' I play the… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Honey, what happened to "ladies first"? Husband replies, "That's the reason why the worlds a mess today, because a lady went first!" — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Mitt Romney, two-time Republican presidential hopeful, boxed former heavyweight champion of the world Evander Holyfield for charity. It was a horrible moment… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Two things you need to know about taxes. They've extended the deadline to April 18, and when you write your check, just make it… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
You know Kim Jong Un, the evil dictator of North Korea? Apparently, a guy in his inner circle used his ashtray while smoking and… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
It's the first day of spring. That means this weekend I'll take down my Christmas lights. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
There are a lot of New York City Thanksgiving traditions. For example, a lot of New Yorkers don't buy the frozen Thanksgiving turkey. They… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
I can hardly wait until Donald Trump announces his celebrity cabinet. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Experts say this global warming is serious, and they are predicting now that by the year 2050, we will be out of party ice. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
We make a lot of fun at President Clinton's expense. But this transition is going to be tough because it's been 25 years since… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
I'm worried about John Kerry, he's so confident now that he's already planning his White House sex scandal. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
I vote Democrat because I'm way too irresponsible to own a gun, and I know that my local police are all I need to… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Do I think there is a heaven? Uh, yeah I do. Like a really big gymnasium. How do I see myself there? With really… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
If it wasn't for coffee, I'd have no discernible personality at all. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
