I wonder what the most intelligent thing ever said was that started with the word 'dude.' 'Dude, these are isotopes.' 'Dude, we… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
There's an old Russian saying that goes some way or another. I don't know it. I don't speak Russian. But sometimes I… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I wonder if it's rude for a deaf person to talk with food in their hands. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I wonder if there were any goths in gothic times. They're like: You look completely appropriate. You don't look stupid or lonely… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
To some I am known as Chief. And these are usually people who work in Radio Shack or try to sell me… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I wonder if, as a society, we will ever be able to call someone a jive tofurkey. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I think hair gel was invented to make it easier to identify assholes from a distance. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
When someone describes themself as a taxpayer, they're about to be an asshole. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I like to go to concerts because I love to see my favorite band through the phone of the asshole who's standing in front… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
Skiing is my favorite sport, because, that's the only sport that is actually better to watch the worst the person is at it. "That… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I know about Woodstock probably as much as your average person who is over 30, where I'd know Jimi Hendrix, Janis Joplin, Grateful Dead. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I bought a cactus. A week later it died. And I got depressed, because I thought, Damn. I am less nurturing than a desert. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
THING TO TRY: If you are asked to describe a suspect to a police sketch artist, describe in precise detail, the features of the… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
