I told my mother-in-law my house is your house. So she sold it. — Henny Youngman Home Copy Share Image
My dad was the town drunk. Most of the time that's not so bad; but New York City? — Henny Youngman Dad Copy Share Image
Most girls are attracted to the simple things in life. Like men. — Henny Youngman Attracted Copy Share Image
If my mother knew I did this for a living, she'd kill me. She thinks I'm selling dope. — Henny Youngman Dope Copy Share Image
I wish my brother would learn a trade, so I would know what kind of work he's out of. — Henny Youngman Brother Copy Share Image
Psychiatrists say that 1 of 4 people are mentally ill. Check 3 friends. If they are okay, you're it. — Henny Youngman Checks Copy Share Image
I asked a Jewish man, "Do you know where Michigan Avenue is?" He said, "Yes", and walked away. — Henny Youngman Avenues Copy Share Image
My wife drives the wrong way on a one way street. The cop pulled her over and asked, "Where are you going?"… — Henny Youngman Coming back Copy Share Image
Two Santa Clauses on the corner. How can you tell the Polish one? The one with the Easter basket. — Henny Youngman Baskets Copy Share Image
My wife is the sweetest, most tolerant, most beautiful woman in the world. This is a paid political announcement. — Henny Youngman Announcements Copy Share Image
I call my lawyer and say, 'Can I ask you two questions?' He says, 'What's the second question?' — Henny Youngman Ask questions Copy Share Image
I was just in London - there is a 6 hour time difference. I'm still confused. When I go to dinner, I… — Henny Youngman Airline Copy Share Image
Two Polish men at Halloween with burned faces. What happened? They were bobbing for french fries. — Henny Youngman Burned Copy Share Image
Getting on a plane, I told the ticket lady, "Send one of my bags to New York, send one to Los Angeles,… — Henny Youngman Airline Copy Share Image
A doctor says to a man, "You want to improve your love life? You need to get some exercise. Run ten miles… — Henny Youngman Doctors Copy Share Image
Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A… — Henny Youngman Anniversary Copy Share Image
A man is at the bar, drunk. I pick him up off the floor, and offer to take him home. On the… — Henny Youngman Bars Copy Share Image
A little man is running a jewelry store. A man runs in saying, Okay, take my watch, put on a new band,… — Henny Youngman Band Copy Share Image
In high school football, the coach kept me on the bench all year. On the last game of the season, the crowd… — Henny Youngman Benches Copy Share Image
A guy says, I'm so old that I forgot how old I am. An old woman says, I'll tell you how old… — Henny Youngman Clothes Copy Share Image
I was playing golf. I swung, missed the ball, and got a big chunk of dirt. I swung again, missed the ball,… — Henny Youngman Ants Copy Share Image
A little Jewish Grandma is at the Florida coast with her little Jewish Grandson. The grandson is playing on the beach when… — Henny Youngman Beach Copy Share Image
