That's not to say that I'm a well-informed Catholic. I'm still in idiot. — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
Well my chocolate is so good I could sell it in an obnoxious prism shape. — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
I curse in everyday life, but usually when I stub my toe. The topics I'm discussing, it's not necessary to curse. I… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
What kind of life are you leading where you consider ketchup fancy? "Well, we ain't rich folk, but on special occasions, I'll… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
That's why when I send a postcard I quiz people. "Hey, did you get that postcard?" "Yeah, yeah yeah." "Well what'd I… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
We are all a little weird. And we like to think that there is always someone weirder. I mean, I am sure… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
You ever buy a book and not read it? You feel almost guilty having it up on a bookshelf. People are like,… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
I've had plenty of friends tell me that their first time doing stand-up, they do well, and then they tank for a… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
Stand-up comedy in the end, unlike the rest of the entertainment industry, is a meritocracy. There's a certain level of undeniability you can work… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
I think growing up in Indiana prepares anyone for a life in comedy. I do feel like there is a certain kind of self-effacing… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
Besides hot pockets keeps introducing new products every 10 minutes so I always have new stuff on the topic. — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
“The song goes, “Morning has broken,” and I’m pretty sure my children broke it. Like everything else they break, if they did break it,… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
I am single, I don't drink. It's kind of hard to get a woman buzzed when you don't drink. You'll be like, "Yeah, I'll… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
Babies and toddlers are mostly what I've been exposed to at this point. I'm hoping parenting just gets much easier after this. It does,… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
Isn't it strange -- when you're single, all you see is couples, and when you're part of a couple, all you see are hookers. — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
I usually don't have a burger, a brat, and a steak but it is 4th of July. And I need the energy if I'm… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
“If you complain about how you spend your Saturdays taking your kid to birthday parties, that means you are taking your kid to birthday… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
I believe that comedians do what they do, and then they get credit or criticism for doing it. There's nothing planned about this. — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
![“I curse in everyday life, but usually when I stub my toe. The topics I'm discussing, it's not necessary to curse. I found [cursing] is a sign that a joke is not finished or well-written.” quote by Jim Gaffigan](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/img-quotes/cf2/jim-gaffigan-580_curse_i-curse-in-everyday-life-but-usually-whe_1432056.jpg)
