If God had wanted us to spend all our time fretting about the problems of home ownership, He would never have created… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
If God had wanted us to be concerned for the plight of the toads, he would have made them cute and furry. — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
I think Superman should go on the Larry King show and announce that he would come back to life if people in… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
I got a lot of mail from organizations concerned with bike safety. Then I got a couple from people who wanted my… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
I always wanted to write when I was a kid; it just never occurred to me that you could have a job… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
My problem with chess was that all my pieces wanted to end the game as soon as possible. — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
She wanted to cry, but she did not want Peter to see her cry, and she especially did not want Teacher, with… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
I am a world-class weenie when it comes to letting people stick needles into me. My subconscious mind firmly believes that if… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
This is true; virtually all edible substances, and many automotive products, are now marketed as being low-fat or fat-free. Americans are obsessed with fat… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
This ball was so crowded that it took me - a trained professional journalist with vast experience in this area - forty five minutes… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
The hardest thing about being a guy is that women don't accept that you really are just a simple, pathetic, labrador retriever-like creature. That… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight Protestants, today it's open to anybody who owns hideous clothing. — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
Entire new continent can emerge from the ocean in the time it takes for a Web page to show up on your screen. Contrary… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
The major parties could conduct live human sacrifices on their podiums during prime time, and I doubt that anybody would notice. — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
If you look at any list of great modern writers such as Ernest Hemingway, William Faulkner, and F. Scott Fitzgerald, you'll notice two things… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
Don't you wish you had a job like mine? All you have to do is think up a certain number of words! Plus, you… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
“Despite the gulf, physical and cultural, between the United States and Japan, both societies are, in the end, made up of people, and people… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
Before going on a diet you should consult your doctor, or at least send him some money. — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
