During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
I'm at the age where I want two girls. In case I fall asleep they will have someone to talk to. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
I told my dentist I want a tooth to match the others. He gave my one with four cavities. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
My kid wants to be a prison warden when he grows up so he can put thumb tacks on the electric chairs. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
My childhood was bad. No father. Mother was greedy and brought me up awful - never made me breakfast once. I don't… — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
I can't figure women out. They put on makeup for three hours. They wear things that make them smaller. Things that make… — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
When I was a kid I got no respect. The time I was kidnapped, and the kidnappers sent my parents a note… — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
With my dog I don't get no respect. He keeps barking at the front door. He don't want to go out. He… — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
With my doctor, I don't get no respect. I told him I want a vasectomy. He said with a face like mine,… — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
After I got divorced, I said to myself, I will never, ever get married again. It was in cement. I went through… — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
For Christmas one year I bought my son a BB gun. He bought me a t-shirt with a bulls eye on the back. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
I knew a girl so ugly, she had a face like a saint-a Saint Bernard! — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
Every time I get in an elevator, the operator says the same thing to me: `Basement?' — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
She failed her drivers test. She couldn't get used to the front seat. It took her four lessons to learn to sit up. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
I tell ya when I was a kid, all I knew was rejection. My yo-yo, it never came back. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
I don't care how rich and successful a man is. He's nothing without an education. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
What a childhood I had. My parents sent me to a child psychiatrist. The kid didn't help me at all. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
One night I came home. I figured, let my wife come on. I'll play it cool. Let her make the first move. She went… — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
