It is cold down in Washington, DC. They had to use an ice scraper on John Boehner's face to get the tears… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Valentine's Day money-saving tips: Break up on February 13th, get back together on the 15th. In place of bubble bath, use lavender-scented… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
You like science? You enjoy science? Always use it for good, never for evil. Can you promise me that? — David Letterman Copy Share Image
And tar is washing up onto the beaches - big globs of tar. And people are saying, 'Is that going to ruin… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Hillary Clinton could use one of these Apple Watches. She could hook it up to her secret email account. If you want… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
The European countries are really hoping to do well in the Olympics. If they win gold medals, they can use them as… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
I don't like jokes about sex or bodily functions or drug use or the difference between New York and L.A. I never… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
I think you can use some of those words on TV. But one thing you can't do is throw coffee, I've said… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
How would Trump travel as president? Obviously, he'd use Hair Force One. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Here in New York City, it's cold. It's so cold the Republicans want to use the Keystone Pipeline to deliver soup. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Two things you need to know about taxes. They've extended the deadline to April 18, and when you write your check, just make it… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
You know Kim Jong Un, the evil dictator of North Korea? Apparently, a guy in his inner circle used his ashtray while smoking and… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
It's the first day of spring. That means this weekend I'll take down my Christmas lights. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
There are a lot of New York City Thanksgiving traditions. For example, a lot of New Yorkers don't buy the frozen Thanksgiving turkey. They… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
I can hardly wait until Donald Trump announces his celebrity cabinet. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Experts say this global warming is serious, and they are predicting now that by the year 2050, we will be out of party ice. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
We make a lot of fun at President Clinton's expense. But this transition is going to be tough because it's been 25 years since… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
I'm worried about John Kerry, he's so confident now that he's already planning his White House sex scandal. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
I vote Democrat because I'm way too irresponsible to own a gun, and I know that my local police are all I need to… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Do I think there is a heaven? Uh, yeah I do. Like a really big gymnasium. How do I see myself there? With really… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
If it wasn't for coffee, I'd have no discernible personality at all. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
