When your Super Bowl guests arrive, they should find a mound of potato chips large enough to conceal a pony sitting in… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
The IRS wants you to use this form because it gets to keep most of your money. So unless you have pond… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
I will vote for the first candidate who promises to use nuclear missiles against LinkedIn. — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
How do these celebrities stay so impossibly thin? Simple: They have full-time personal trainers, who advise them on nutrition, give them pep… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
The other major kind of computer is the "Apple," which I do not recommend, because it is a wuss-o-rama New-Age computer you… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
Without computers, the government would be unable to function at the level of effectiveness and efficiency that we have come to expect.… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
European toilet paper is made from the same material that Americans use for roofing, which is why Europeans tend to remain standing… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
Several years ago we had an intern who was none too swift. One day he was typing and turned to a secretary… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
For most celebrities, the biggest meal of the day is toothpaste (they use reduced-fat Crest). — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
Ban walking sticks in wilderness. Hikers that use walking sticks are more likely to chase animals. — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
All the big corporations depreciate their possessions, and you can, too, provided you use them for business purposes. For example, if you… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
I also saw a huge expansion of the Internet, with many major corporations, afraid of being left behind, spending hundreds of millions… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
I played lead guitar in a band called The Federal Duck, which is the kind of name that was popular in the… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
You should not use your fireplace, because scientists now believe that, contrary to popular opinion, fireplaces actually remove heat from houses. Really,… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
If there really is a God who created the entire universe with all of its glories, and He decides to deliver a… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
People in the computer industry use the term 'user,' which to them means 'idiot.' — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
I think if you use Twitter and social media as your main source of information you are an idiot, but I think… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
What I think is that the F-word is basically just a convenient nasty-sounding word that we tend to use when we would… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
You can use the Internet to find out, from anywhere on the planet: exactly how much coffee is in a certain coffee… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
I love the resource of the Internet. I use it all the time. Anything I'm writing - for example, if I'm writing… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
This is true; virtually all edible substances, and many automotive products, are now marketed as being low-fat or fat-free. Americans are obsessed with fat… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
This ball was so crowded that it took me - a trained professional journalist with vast experience in this area - forty five minutes… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
The hardest thing about being a guy is that women don't accept that you really are just a simple, pathetic, labrador retriever-like creature. That… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight Protestants, today it's open to anybody who owns hideous clothing. — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
Entire new continent can emerge from the ocean in the time it takes for a Web page to show up on your screen. Contrary… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
The major parties could conduct live human sacrifices on their podiums during prime time, and I doubt that anybody would notice. — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
If you look at any list of great modern writers such as Ernest Hemingway, William Faulkner, and F. Scott Fitzgerald, you'll notice two things… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
Don't you wish you had a job like mine? All you have to do is think up a certain number of words! Plus, you… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
“Despite the gulf, physical and cultural, between the United States and Japan, both societies are, in the end, made up of people, and people… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
Before going on a diet you should consult your doctor, or at least send him some money. — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
