It's very easy to turn a toy into an adult toy: Location, location, location. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I want to commit a crime during a reenactment, and turn it into an enactment. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
My plumbing is all screwed up. Because it turns out, I do not own a garbage disposal. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
It turns out dentists don't like it very much when you show up for a cleaning in full vampire gear. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
Use crazy glue and nails to turn a rocking chair into just a chair that looks like a rocking chair. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
Don't forget to turn your clocks back today if you don't want your clocks to be set to the right time. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
Sometimes I feel like I'm making a connection with a stranger, but then it turns out I'm not. Like, I was in… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
You mock those who blindly follow the majority...turn your attention now to those who are so dedicated to deviating from the norm… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I think hair gel was invented to make it easier to identify assholes from a distance. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
When someone describes themself as a taxpayer, they're about to be an asshole. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I like to go to concerts because I love to see my favorite band through the phone of the asshole who's standing in front… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
Skiing is my favorite sport, because, that's the only sport that is actually better to watch the worst the person is at it. "That… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I know about Woodstock probably as much as your average person who is over 30, where I'd know Jimi Hendrix, Janis Joplin, Grateful Dead. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I bought a cactus. A week later it died. And I got depressed, because I thought, Damn. I am less nurturing than a desert. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
THING TO TRY: If you are asked to describe a suspect to a police sketch artist, describe in precise detail, the features of the… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
