She's afraid to tell me anything important, knowing I'll only turn around and write about it. In my mind, I'm like a… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
Traveling across the United States, it's easy to see why Americans are often thought of as stupid. At the San Diego Zoo,… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
I like high school and college writing textbooks and find them very helpful. Whenever I'm stuck and seem to have no ideas,… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
Listen, you might want to pack a few of your things together before going to bed. The former bishop of Turkey will… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
If I were president, I would turn the tables and allow the fetus to abort its mother. — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
My hands tend to be full enough dealing with people who hate me for who I am. Concentrate too hard on the… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
To spend your days in the company of naked men - that was the life for me. 'Turn a bit to the… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
“Plenty of animals had pets, but few were more devoted than the mouse, who owned a baby corn snake—“A rescue snake, she’d be quick… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
“never fall asleep in a Dumpster, never underestimate a bee, never drive a convertible behind a flatbed truck, never get old, never get drunk… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
“It was a father, one hand resting teapot-style on his hip, and the other - what would be the spout - formed into a… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
“A Japanese woman we’d met in Paris came to the apartment yesterday and spent several hours explaining our appliances. The microwave, the water kettle,… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
One thing I like about the United States, and I kind of miss about the United States, is there's an election coming up here… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
When you read comic material and people aren't laughing how do you know they're listening. — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
“You have how many children in your family?" the teacher would ask. "I'm guessing you must be Catholic, am I right?” — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
“Like most seasoned phonies, I roundly suspect that everyone is as disingenuous as I am.” — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
As a child I assumed that when I reached adulthood, I would have grown-up thoughts. — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
“You just take and take don´t you? Out there with your thumb in the air—not a care in the world, just grabbing whatever you… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
In other parts of the country people tried to stay together for the sake of the children. In New York they tried to work… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
My boyfriend got me a computer three years ago. I'll admit it does make things a lot easier. When I was working on a… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
