My wife and I keep fighting about sex and money. I think she charges me too much. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
With girls, I don't think right. I had a date with one girl, she had mirrors all over her bedroom. She told… — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
I'm at an age where I think more about food than I do about sex. Last week I put a mirror over… — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
I'll tell ya, my wife and I, we don't think alike. She donates money to the homeless, and I donate money to… — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
I think my wife is cheating on me, the only thing the parrot knows how to say is, quick out the window. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
Last time I tried to make love to my wife nothing happened, so I said to her, 'What's the matter, you can't… — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
Once when I was lost I asked a policeman to help me find my parents. I said to him, 'Do you think… — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
Better to keep quiet and let people think you're an idiot than speak up and confirm it. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
I tell ya, southern people, they always think you are hard-of-hearing. Every timr you leave they say to you, You come back,… — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
With sex my wife thinks twice before she turns me down. Yeah, once in the morning and once at night. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
I tell ya, sex is getting harder all the time. Me and my wife were trying to have sex for hours last… — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
I told my doctor I think my wife has VD. He gave himself a shot of penicillin. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
Last week I told my psychiatrist, 'I keep thinking about suicide', and he told me from now I have to pay in… — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
For Christmas one year I bought my son a BB gun. He bought me a t-shirt with a bulls eye on the back. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
I knew a girl so ugly, she had a face like a saint-a Saint Bernard! — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
Every time I get in an elevator, the operator says the same thing to me: `Basement?' — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
She failed her drivers test. She couldn't get used to the front seat. It took her four lessons to learn to sit up. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
I tell ya when I was a kid, all I knew was rejection. My yo-yo, it never came back. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
I don't care how rich and successful a man is. He's nothing without an education. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
What a childhood I had. My parents sent me to a child psychiatrist. The kid didn't help me at all. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
One night I came home. I figured, let my wife come on. I'll play it cool. Let her make the first move. She went… — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
