Stand Comedy Quotes by Jim Gaffigan

“Cousins are like celebrities for little kids.”

— Jim Gaffigan

Stand-up comedy in the end, unlike the rest of the entertainment industry, is a meritocracy. There's a certain level of undeniability you can work…

— Jim Gaffigan

I think growing up in Indiana prepares anyone for a life in comedy. I do feel like there is a certain kind of self-effacing…

— Jim Gaffigan

Besides hot pockets keeps introducing new products every 10 minutes so I always have new stuff on the topic.

— Jim Gaffigan

“The song goes, “Morning has broken,” and I’m pretty sure my children broke it. Like everything else they break, if they did break it,…

— Jim Gaffigan

I am single, I don't drink. It's kind of hard to get a woman buzzed when you don't drink. You'll be like, "Yeah, I'll…

— Jim Gaffigan

Babies and toddlers are mostly what I've been exposed to at this point. I'm hoping parenting just gets much easier after this. It does,…

— Jim Gaffigan

Isn't it strange -- when you're single, all you see is couples, and when you're part of a couple, all you see are hookers.

— Jim Gaffigan

I usually don't have a burger, a brat, and a steak but it is 4th of July. And I need the energy if I'm…

— Jim Gaffigan

“If you complain about how you spend your Saturdays taking your kid to birthday parties, that means you are taking your kid to birthday…

— Jim Gaffigan

Ever eat so much you feel sick? Isn't that the best?

— Jim Gaffigan

I believe that comedians do what they do, and then they get credit or criticism for doing it. There's nothing planned about this.

— Jim Gaffigan

“Being a parent is a selfless adventure. The worldview of “Take care of yourself first” is no longer logical to a sane person if…

— Jim Gaffigan

“Occasionally, a dog will be presented as some training method for having a baby. "My girlfriend and I got a dog. We are going…

— Jim Gaffigan

Cookies at both of them. The cookies are probably better at Letterman though.

— Jim Gaffigan