There should be a children's song: 'If you're happy and you know it, keep it to yourself and let your dad sleep'. — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
“You are not only waking up sleep deprived, but now you are also sleep deprived and in charge of another human being.” — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
I love sleep. I need sleep. We all do, of course. There are those people that don't need sleep. I think they're… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
How about those people who don't need sleep? What are they called again? Successful? What a bunch of dicks they are. — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
“I am sure everyone reading this book values their sleep, but I am a sleep enthusiast! My dream is to become one… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
For me, it's always a little sad getting out of bed. Every morning after I get up, I always gaze longingly at… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
It is amazing how much more amazing sleep is in the morning. You wake up and you're like, "I stayed up to… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
I guess the reasons against having more children always seem uninspiring and superficial. What exactly am I missing out on? Money? A… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
“There are two philosophies when it comes to getting young children to sleep. There is 'sleep training,' which basically involves putting your… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
“Every night before I get my one hour of sleep, I have the same thought: “Well, that’s a wrap on another day… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
Stand-up comedy in the end, unlike the rest of the entertainment industry, is a meritocracy. There's a certain level of undeniability you can work… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
I think growing up in Indiana prepares anyone for a life in comedy. I do feel like there is a certain kind of self-effacing… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
Besides hot pockets keeps introducing new products every 10 minutes so I always have new stuff on the topic. — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
“The song goes, “Morning has broken,” and I’m pretty sure my children broke it. Like everything else they break, if they did break it,… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
I am single, I don't drink. It's kind of hard to get a woman buzzed when you don't drink. You'll be like, "Yeah, I'll… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
Babies and toddlers are mostly what I've been exposed to at this point. I'm hoping parenting just gets much easier after this. It does,… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
Isn't it strange -- when you're single, all you see is couples, and when you're part of a couple, all you see are hookers. — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
I usually don't have a burger, a brat, and a steak but it is 4th of July. And I need the energy if I'm… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
“If you complain about how you spend your Saturdays taking your kid to birthday parties, that means you are taking your kid to birthday… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
I believe that comedians do what they do, and then they get credit or criticism for doing it. There's nothing planned about this. — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
