President Obama is sending a couple hundred troops to Iraq. We spent six years trying to figure a way to get out… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Thanksgiving is the day when you turn to another family member and say, 'How long has Mom been drinking like this?' My… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
What we know about Osama Bin Laden is this: he's worth $300 million, he has five wives and twenty-six kids -- and… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Today is the anniversary of the Gettysburg Address. President Lincoln wrote it on his way to the site of the speech on… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Over in Afghanistan, Osama stuck his head out of the cave and saw a shadow. So, that means six more weeks of… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
President Bush announced he has a five-point strategy for getting out of Iraq. Points six through 10 will be handled by the… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Here's what the kids get. They get free McDonald's and Kentucky Fried Chicken for a year, and 52 six-packs of Pepsi. And… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Osama bin Laden... lived in one house for, like, six years with three wives. And earlier today, they ruled his death was… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Two things you need to know about taxes. They've extended the deadline to April 18, and when you write your check, just make it… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
You know Kim Jong Un, the evil dictator of North Korea? Apparently, a guy in his inner circle used his ashtray while smoking and… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
It's the first day of spring. That means this weekend I'll take down my Christmas lights. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
There are a lot of New York City Thanksgiving traditions. For example, a lot of New Yorkers don't buy the frozen Thanksgiving turkey. They… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
I can hardly wait until Donald Trump announces his celebrity cabinet. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Experts say this global warming is serious, and they are predicting now that by the year 2050, we will be out of party ice. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
We make a lot of fun at President Clinton's expense. But this transition is going to be tough because it's been 25 years since… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
I'm worried about John Kerry, he's so confident now that he's already planning his White House sex scandal. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
I vote Democrat because I'm way too irresponsible to own a gun, and I know that my local police are all I need to… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Do I think there is a heaven? Uh, yeah I do. Like a really big gymnasium. How do I see myself there? With really… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
If it wasn't for coffee, I'd have no discernible personality at all. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
