I think a good way to get into a movie is to show up where they're making the movie, then stick a… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I remember how the other kids used to say that old Mister Swenson was the meanest man in town. But I said… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
There should be a detective show called "Johnny Monkey," because every week you could have a guy say "I ain't gonna get… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I remember one day I was at Grandpa's farm and I asked him about sex. He sort of smiled and said, "Maybe… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
If you get invited to your first orgy, don't just show up nude. That's a common mistake. You have to let nudity… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
He was the kind of man who was not ashamed to show affection. I guess that's what I hated about him. — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I saw on this nature show how the male elk douses himself with urine to smell sweeter to the opposite sex. What… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
If aliens from outer space ever come and we show them our civilization and they make fun of it, we should say… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Sometimes life seems like a dream, especially when I look down and see that I forgot to put on my pants. — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I think the best Thanksgiving we ever had was one where we didn't even have a turkey. Mom and Dad sat us kids down… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
At first I thought, if I were Superman, a perfect secret identity would be "Clark Kent, Dentist," because you could save money on tooth… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Sometimes I wonder if I'm patriotic enough. Yes, I want to kill people, but on both sides. — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I don't understand people who say life is a mystery, because what is it they want to know? — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
It's probably not a good idea to be chewing on a toothpick if you're talking to the president, because what if he tells a… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Probably to a shark, about the funniest thing there is is a wounded seal, trying to swim to shore, because WHERE DOES HE THINK… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I wish I lived back in the Old West days, because I'd save up my money for about twenty years so I could buy… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Why do there have to be rules for everything? It's gotten to the point that rules dominate just about every aspect of our lives.… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Most people don't realize that large pieces of coral, which have been painted brown and attached to the skull by common wood screws, can… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Here's a suggestion for a new animal, if some new ones get created or evolve: something that stings you, then laughs at you. — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
When you go ice-skating, try not to swing your arms too much, because that really annoys me. — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
