My character is self-important, poorly informed, well-intentioned but an idiot, ... So we said, `Let's give him a promotion. — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
They said you can't go to the moon. They said you can't put cheese inside a pizza crust, but NASA did it.… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
To all the worryworts out there who said super PACs were going to lead to a cabal of billionaires secretly buying democracy:… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
My brother Billy was the joke teller. My brother Jim had a really sharp, cutting wit. And the teller of long stories,… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
As Shakespeare said, there's nothin' cooler than droppin' the 'g's off of gerunds! — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
Last night, we did the Threatdown -- God, it's hard to even talk about this -- and for the first time, I… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
I've said it a million times: Romance languages lead to premarital sex. — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
Citizens United said that transparency would be the disinfectant, but (c)(4)'s are warm, wet, moist incubators. There is no disinfectant. — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
I've said it before: equations are the devil's sentences. The worst one is that quadratic equation, an infernal salad of numbers, letters,… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
You said in your book that at the end of the day, every politician is human. What about during the day? — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
We are divided between those who think with their heads and those who know with their heart. Consider Harriet Miers. If you… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
Sir, pay no attention to the people who say the glass is half empty, because 32% means it's 2/3 empty. There's still… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
The shamrock is a religious symbol. St. Patrick said the leaves represented the trinity: the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit.… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
And my daughter said, 'Why are you yelling at us?' and I said, 'I'm trying to discipline you!' And then she looked… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
Don't be bitter. Everybody suffers. If you can accept your suffering then you will understand other people better. Be grateful for pain. Love life. — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
Cynicism masquerades as wisdom, but it is the farthest thing from it. Because cynics don’t learn anything. Because cynicism is a self-imposed blindness, a… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
We all deserve credit for this new surveillance state that we live in because we the people voted for the Patriot Act. Democrats and… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
I've long been against illegal aliens, partly because they distract us from an even bigger threat: real aliens. — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
Believe in me, cause I don't believe in anything, and I wanna be someone to believe. — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
It's August, which means Congress is on recess and Mitch McConnell has shimmied back into the ocean to seek a mate. — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
Try to love others and serve others and hopefully find those who love and serve you in return. — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
Thirty seconds is the exact amount of time Americans can tolerate something they don't understand. — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
I used to make up stuff in my bio all the time, that I used to be a professional ice-skater and stuff like that.… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
I live by syllogisms: God is love. Love is blind. Stevie Wonder is blind. Therefore, Stevie Wonder is God. I don't know what I'd… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
“Unlike Paul Newman, who seems to think that salad dressing is the cure-all for America's ills, I'm a man of action.” — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
Now, for my younger viewers out there, a book is something we used to have before the internet. It’s sort of a blog for… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
