I usually don't have a burger, a brat, and a steak but it is 4th of July. And I need the energy… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
I need the concept of mercy for me to have some semblance of self-admiration. So in real life, I'm probably somebody who… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
I kinda expected to turn the bottle and see a recipe. "So that's how you make ice cubes. Apparently you just freeze… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
I love sleep. I need sleep. We all do, of course. There are those people that don't need sleep. I think they're… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
I know that Colbert could quote Thomas Aquinas and all this, but I'm somebody who, because it's a necessity for me on… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
Why would a lazy guy become a parent of five? Then again, why would creative people who inherently don't like change and… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
New York has made me so paranoid, too. Whenever I visit another city, I always act like I'm from there, so the… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
The idea of being a practicing Catholic, it's - for me, it's like - I need a lot of practice, you know… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
People need to write articles and they need to have angles in them and I'm grateful when people are doing articles, but… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
How about those people who don't need sleep? What are they called again? Successful? What a bunch of dicks they are. — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
Stand-up comedy in the end, unlike the rest of the entertainment industry, is a meritocracy. There's a certain level of undeniability you can work… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
I think growing up in Indiana prepares anyone for a life in comedy. I do feel like there is a certain kind of self-effacing… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
Besides hot pockets keeps introducing new products every 10 minutes so I always have new stuff on the topic. — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
“The song goes, “Morning has broken,” and I’m pretty sure my children broke it. Like everything else they break, if they did break it,… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
I am single, I don't drink. It's kind of hard to get a woman buzzed when you don't drink. You'll be like, "Yeah, I'll… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
Babies and toddlers are mostly what I've been exposed to at this point. I'm hoping parenting just gets much easier after this. It does,… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
Isn't it strange -- when you're single, all you see is couples, and when you're part of a couple, all you see are hookers. — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
I usually don't have a burger, a brat, and a steak but it is 4th of July. And I need the energy if I'm… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
“If you complain about how you spend your Saturdays taking your kid to birthday parties, that means you are taking your kid to birthday… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
I believe that comedians do what they do, and then they get credit or criticism for doing it. There's nothing planned about this. — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
