Tip to out-of-town visitors. If you buy something here in New York and you want to have it shipped home, be suspicious… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Welcome to the program. My name is Dave Letterman, and tonight I'm giving my two-week notice. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Yesterday, the Senate voted to approve President Clinton's decision to send troops to Bosnia. And they voted to change the name of… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
John Kerry says that foreign leaders want him to be president, but that he can't name the foreign leaders. That's all right,… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
We are starting to learn more about Osama bin Laden. For his birthday one year, somebody gave him a $4 Timex. We… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Iraq's elite Republican Guard is doing so badly they're changing their name to the Democratic Guard. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Two things you need to know about taxes. They've extended the deadline to April 18, and when you write your check, just make it… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
You know Kim Jong Un, the evil dictator of North Korea? Apparently, a guy in his inner circle used his ashtray while smoking and… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
It's the first day of spring. That means this weekend I'll take down my Christmas lights. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
There are a lot of New York City Thanksgiving traditions. For example, a lot of New Yorkers don't buy the frozen Thanksgiving turkey. They… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
I can hardly wait until Donald Trump announces his celebrity cabinet. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Experts say this global warming is serious, and they are predicting now that by the year 2050, we will be out of party ice. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
We make a lot of fun at President Clinton's expense. But this transition is going to be tough because it's been 25 years since… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
I'm worried about John Kerry, he's so confident now that he's already planning his White House sex scandal. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
I vote Democrat because I'm way too irresponsible to own a gun, and I know that my local police are all I need to… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Do I think there is a heaven? Uh, yeah I do. Like a really big gymnasium. How do I see myself there? With really… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
If it wasn't for coffee, I'd have no discernible personality at all. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
