This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
I got myself good this morning too. I did my pushups in the nude, I didn't see the mouse trap. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
When you walk up five flights of stairs at four in the morning, there's definitely a hooker involved. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
With sex my wife thinks twice before she turns me down. Yeah, once in the morning and once at night. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
I tell ya, I knew my morning wasn't going right. When I put on my shirt the button fell off, when I… — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
People ask if I can get it up in the morning. I tell them are you kidding I'm envious of a stiff… — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said, "Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?"… — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
I went to see my doctor... Doctor Vidi-boom-ba. Yeah...I told him once, "Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in… — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
My life is nothing but pressure. All pressure. This pressure is like a heaviness. It's always on top of me, this heaviness.… — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
For Christmas one year I bought my son a BB gun. He bought me a t-shirt with a bulls eye on the back. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
I knew a girl so ugly, she had a face like a saint-a Saint Bernard! — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
Every time I get in an elevator, the operator says the same thing to me: 'Basement?' — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
She failed her drivers test. She couldn't get used to the front seat. It took her four lessons to learn to sit up. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
I tell ya when I was a kid, all I knew was rejection. My yo-yo, it never came back. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
I don't care how rich and successful a man is. He's nothing without an education. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
What a childhood I had. My parents sent me to a child psychiatrist. The kid didn't help me at all. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
One night I came home. I figured, let my wife come on. I'll play it cool. Let her make the first move. She went… — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
