It is a little ironic that one thing a babysitter should not do is sit on a baby. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I think they should put pies on the fronts of trains, so that when they hit something it's at least a little… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
A lot of people don't like bumper stickers. I don't mind bumper stickers. To me a bumper sticker is a shortcut. It's… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I think there are so many little hurdles and impediments with stand-up that you'd need to have this insane desire to do… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I don't know what the long form of OK is. I wanna think it's okie dokie. 'I'm okie dokie. I'm a little… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
For me, possibility, progress, growth, those things are very.. they feel very good. It doesn't usually come with negativity. I don't really… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
Another thing that I like and that's fun for me is to try and talk and play music at the same time,… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
There are jokes I know I want to tell, and there's sort of a rough order, but usually I try to change… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I think hair gel was invented to make it easier to identify assholes from a distance. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
When someone describes themself as a taxpayer, they're about to be an asshole. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I like to go to concerts because I love to see my favorite band through the phone of the asshole who's standing in front… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
Skiing is my favorite sport, because, that's the only sport that is actually better to watch the worst the person is at it. "That… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I know about Woodstock probably as much as your average person who is over 30, where I'd know Jimi Hendrix, Janis Joplin, Grateful Dead. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I bought a cactus. A week later it died. And I got depressed, because I thought, Damn. I am less nurturing than a desert. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
THING TO TRY: If you are asked to describe a suspect to a police sketch artist, describe in precise detail, the features of the… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
