Meryl Streep is on the program tonight. I like to throw her a little work whenever I can. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Did you see Howard Dean ranting and raving? Here's a little tip Howard - cut back on the Red Bull. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Here's a little known fact - Arnold is the first body builder to run for governor since Janet Reno. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
The White House is saying Donald Trump has 'zero percent chance' of being elected. Isn't that a little high? — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Because Utah is largely Mormon country, the firing squad's a little different. You're blindfolded but no cigarette. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Airport screeners are now scanning holiday fruitcakes. Not even the scanners can tell what those little red things are. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
We thought New York City was home to 8 million rats. Turns out, that's a little high. The actual number is 2… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Mayor de Blasio has legalized ferrets. Now you can legally own ferrets in New York City. I want to tell you something.… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
I don't like stand-up comedy that requires a lot of props. I really respect people who can walk out onstage alone and… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
There was an interesting development in the CBS-Westmoreland trial: both sides agreed that after the trial, Andy Rooney would be allowed to… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
You folks feeling the economic pinch? Are you a little fed up with the economic news? It's bad. The department stores, this… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
There's only one requirement of any of us, and that is to be courageous. Because courage, as you might know, defines all… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Two things you need to know about taxes. They've extended the deadline to April 18, and when you write your check, just make it… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
You know Kim Jong Un, the evil dictator of North Korea? Apparently, a guy in his inner circle used his ashtray while smoking and… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
It's the first day of spring. That means this weekend I'll take down my Christmas lights. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
There are a lot of New York City Thanksgiving traditions. For example, a lot of New Yorkers don't buy the frozen Thanksgiving turkey. They… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
I can hardly wait until Donald Trump announces his celebrity cabinet. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Experts say this global warming is serious, and they are predicting now that by the year 2050, we will be out of party ice. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
We make a lot of fun at President Clinton's expense. But this transition is going to be tough because it's been 25 years since… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
I'm worried about John Kerry, he's so confident now that he's already planning his White House sex scandal. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
I vote Democrat because I'm way too irresponsible to own a gun, and I know that my local police are all I need to… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Do I think there is a heaven? Uh, yeah I do. Like a really big gymnasium. How do I see myself there? With really… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
If it wasn't for coffee, I'd have no discernible personality at all. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
