As you swim the river of live, do the breast stroke. It helps to clear the turds from your path. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
Any one who considers arithmetical methods of producing random digits is, of course, in a state of sin. — John von Neumann Copy Share Image
“Many a survivor of a plane crash who is or was against cannibalism and had never eaten human flesh once found themselves… — Mokokoma Mokhonoana Copy Share Image
"Peggotty!" repeated Miss Betsey, with some indignation. "Do you mean to say, child, that any human being has gone into a Christian… — Charles Dickens Copy Share Image
“It’s mind-blowing and delicious and better than finding a pot of gold, a unicorn, and a leprechaun who shits diamonds at the… — Tara Sivec Copy Share Image
If "ifs" and "ands" were pots and pans, there'd be no work for tinkers' hands — Charles Kingsley Copy Share Image
At the height of rush hour, people on the London underground actually say "excuse me." Imagine what would happen if you tried… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
This is for all ill-treated fellows Unborn and unbegot, For them to read when they're in trouble And I am not. — A. E. Housman Copy Share Image
Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, where the heck… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
“Taggle was absorbed in the meat pie. ‘It’s covered in BREAD,’ he huffed. ‘What fool has covered MEAT with BREAD?” — Erin Bow Copy Share Image
“As a comedian, the more you commit the sin of stupidity, three essential things happen to your life: ~people applaud you incessantly.… — Michael Bassey Johnson Copy Share Image
“I met a few chimpanzees on my pilgrimages and I wasn't sure if they were just shrivelled-up villagers or chimps...” — Jonathan Dunne Copy Share Image
“Quadruple crap. Why couldn’t I control myself? Why did he have this effect on me? “Are you compelling me right now?” To… — Christie Rich Copy Share Image
I write poems for children to help them celebrate the joy and wonder of their world and to look at their lives… — Charles Ghigna Copy Share Image
“I’m too much a man for hysterics.” Liu, Marjorie M. (2009-01-20). Hunter Kiss: A Companion Novella to The Iron Hunt and Darkness… — Marjorie M. Liu Copy Share Image
Everybody in New York City knows there's way more cars than parking spaces. You see cars driving in New York all hours… — Jerry Seinfeld Copy Share Image
“My dearest Pudding pie" I read aloud. "Yes, my little turnip?" "Hilarious," I muttered. "If you ever call me anything of the… — Jordan L. Hawk Copy Share Image
The two real political parties in America are the Winners and the Losers. The people don't acknowledge this. They claim membership in… — Kurt Vonnegut Copy Share Image
“Is that how you get propositioned at the court? 'Mylady, would you be so kind as to allow me to put my… — Erica Dakin Copy Share Image
Give an average baby a fair chance, and if it doesn't do something it oughtn't to a doctor should be called in… — Jerome K. Jerome Copy Share Image
