We decide to start with the best-known sight of all, the one that, more than any other, exemplifies what the Big Apple… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
The planes are crowded and noisy and late, and everybody hates everybody. If armed terrorists had tried to hijack any of the… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
When I say "dogs", I'm talking about dogs, which are large, bounding, salivating animals, usually with bad breath. I am not talking… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
Cigarette sales would drop to zero overnight if the warning said "CIGARETTES CONTAIN FAT. — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
Motto of the U.S. airline industry - "We're Hoping to Have a Motto Announcement in About an Hour." — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
In foreign countries such as Italy, the government puts strict-looking speed limit signs everywhere, but nobody ever sees them because light does… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
Harry is heavily into camping, and every year in the late fall, he makes us all go to Assateague, which is an… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
Famous designers think nothing of putting their names on your clothing, but would have the servants set the dogs on you if… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
The Democrats believe that if God did not want them to raise taxes, He would not have created the Internal Revenue Service. — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
One key lesson of history is that virtually anything, including afternoon or evening thundershowers, causes Germany to invade Belgium. — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
You should not use your fireplace, because scientists now believe that, contrary to popular opinion, fireplaces actually remove heat from houses. Really,… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
If he (The New York Taxi Driver) talked to me, he might lose his concentration, which would be very bad because the… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
The first animals to be successfully domesticated were dogs, which were a big help because they would bark all night and fetch… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
If the security personnel do their job properly, they just might cause you to miss your plane, thereby possibly saving your life. — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
Nobody is excused from the excellence trend. Babies are not excused. Starting right after they get out of the womb, modern babies… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
Flying from the United States to Tokyo takes approximately as long as law school. — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
The Russians will never be able to get their missiles thought the dense protective layer of delayed flights circling over the United… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
Within less than an hour, Chuck and I easily located what could well be the correct platform, where we pass the time… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
I feel that nasal spray is a wondrous medical achievement, because it is supposed to relieve nasal congestion, and by gadfrey, it… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
Shawn's (Shawn Weatherly - former beauty queen) acting ability is such that she could not convey the concept of falling if your… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
The Soviet Union at this time was being run by the Communists, a group of men fierce in their dedication to wearing… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
In modern America, food is abundant everywhere except aboard commercial airplanes. — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
The easiest way to make a fruitcake is to buy a darkish cake, then pound some old, hard fruit into it with… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
I had arrived at the airport one hour early so that, in accordance with airline procedures, I could stand around. — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
They have a lot of trouble with pronunciation, because they can't move their jaw muscles, because of malnutrition caused by wisely refusing… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
This is true; virtually all edible substances, and many automotive products, are now marketed as being low-fat or fat-free. Americans are obsessed with fat… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
This ball was so crowded that it took me - a trained professional journalist with vast experience in this area - forty five minutes… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
The hardest thing about being a guy is that women don't accept that you really are just a simple, pathetic, labrador retriever-like creature. That… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight Protestants, today it's open to anybody who owns hideous clothing. — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
Entire new continent can emerge from the ocean in the time it takes for a Web page to show up on your screen. Contrary… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
The major parties could conduct live human sacrifices on their podiums during prime time, and I doubt that anybody would notice. — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
If you look at any list of great modern writers such as Ernest Hemingway, William Faulkner, and F. Scott Fitzgerald, you'll notice two things… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
Don't you wish you had a job like mine? All you have to do is think up a certain number of words! Plus, you… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
“Despite the gulf, physical and cultural, between the United States and Japan, both societies are, in the end, made up of people, and people… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
Before going on a diet you should consult your doctor, or at least send him some money. — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
