I've never belonged to any group that didn't have at least one member who wasn't a total dick. — Rock Cowles Copy Share Image
There's a fallacy with stand up comedy, which is, people come up to comedians, and they go, 'You say what I think… — Jim Jefferies Copy Share Image
There was a time I was very much blaming the way I felt on L.A, that it was a vacuum of creativity,… — Naomi Watts Copy Share Image
I tried to like it. For me, it was like being smacked around the head by a piece of IKEA furniture: it… — Bill Bailey Copy Share Image
You can't do every movie - although I do a lot of them - and the thing I'm longing to do is...… — Lance Henriksen Copy Share Image
“He hung his head. “Am I punished?” “Yes. I’m too mad to punish you right now. We’ll talk about it when we… — Ilona Andrews Copy Share Image
“. Despite the considerable horror they had felt when the SA men were bellowing crude anti-Semitic slogans, in retrospect the joke-tellers were… — Rudolph Herzog Copy Share Image
“A loud, purposeful knock on the front door froze him in place with his fist over the fabric. “Hey, dude, it’s me.… — Kimberly Kincaid Copy Share Image
“I’m tempted to kill the general first, then his staff officers. Sometimes you just want to eat pudding early. All the same,… — David Gunn Copy Share Image
Slice of life and dramedies are the pieces that I most gravitate toward, because I think that's life - life is not… — Ego Nwodim Copy Share Image
I have a friend who is a juggler. If I'm at his house, I don't like to take food from him, if… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
“How would you like to star in your very own commercial?" "I'd rather swim in battery acid.” — Robin Benway Copy Share Image
A man who fails is funny... if my sketches teach anything, it is that, for the male, sex is a snare and… — Benny Hill Copy Share Image
“If you guys want to get a MOM tattoo and save a little money, just get two letters done. Get about a… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
“Leo plunked the cheese wheel in front of me. "Cut me a wedge of this, my good ma. Chop-chop!" I scowled at… — Rick Riordan Copy Share Image
“Master, don’t. Please.” “Please is a great word–and I intend to please. Me, for sure. Maybe even you.” Lindsey and deVries” — Cherise Sinclair Copy Share Image
A man goes to a psychiatrist. "Nobody listens to me!" The doctor says, "Next!" — Henny Youngman Copy Share Image
My parents put us to sleep by tossing us up in the air. Of course, you have to have low ceilings for… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
“There's no perk in being closed-minded as a minority. It's never, ever, ever going to help you, ever.” — Baratunde R. Thurston Copy Share Image
