“I think there is a difference between comic essays and war reporting, and people can tell that.” — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
“Dad followed his I’m-So-Disappointed speech with a lecture on career opportunities. “You’re going to study literature and get a job doing what?”… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
When I look at a lot of older stuff that I've written, I think one sign of amateur humor writing is when… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
“He has a passport," my classmates would whisper. "Quick, let's run before he judges us!” — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
The humor section is the last place an author wants to be. They put your stuff next to collections of Cathy cartoons. — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
“Pandas and rain forests are never mentioned when it comes to the millions of people taking joyrides in their Range Rovers. Rather,… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
“It's astonishing the amount of time that certain straight people devote to gay sex - trying to determine what goes where and… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
“I was a smart-ass, born and raised. This had been my curse and would continue to be so.” — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
“I look at these people and can't quite believe that they exist. Are they professional actors? I wonder. Or are they simply… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
“Though we were forbidden to speak anything but French, the teacher would occasionally use us to practice any of her five fluent… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
I don't think I'm a witty person. To me, a witty person is a funny person who is also a smart person.… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
“The autopsy took place in the morning and was the best argument for the buddy systemI had ever seen. Never live alone,… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
“My mother was, for the most part, delighted with my brother and regarded him with the bemused curiosity of a brood hen… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
“My first boyfriend was black as well, but that doesn't prove I'm color-blind, just that I like big butts.” — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
“The way I saw it, if my students were willing to pretend I was a teacher, the least I could do was… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
“Plenty of animals had pets, but few were more devoted than the mouse, who owned a baby corn snake—“A rescue snake, she’d be quick… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
“never fall asleep in a Dumpster, never underestimate a bee, never drive a convertible behind a flatbed truck, never get old, never get drunk… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
“It was a father, one hand resting teapot-style on his hip, and the other - what would be the spout - formed into a… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
“A Japanese woman we’d met in Paris came to the apartment yesterday and spent several hours explaining our appliances. The microwave, the water kettle,… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
One thing I like about the United States, and I kind of miss about the United States, is there's an election coming up here… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
When you read comic material and people aren't laughing how do you know they're listening. — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
“You have how many children in your family?" the teacher would ask. "I'm guessing you must be Catholic, am I right?” — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
“Like most seasoned phonies, I roundly suspect that everyone is as disingenuous as I am.” — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
As a child I assumed that when I reached adulthood, I would have grown-up thoughts. — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
“You just take and take don´t you? Out there with your thumb in the air—not a care in the world, just grabbing whatever you… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
In other parts of the country people tried to stay together for the sake of the children. In New York they tried to work… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
My boyfriend got me a computer three years ago. I'll admit it does make things a lot easier. When I was working on a… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
