If you remove a treehouse from a tree, than it's just a shitty house. Sometimes when i'm in a shitty house, I… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
There's a saying that goes, 'People who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones.' OK. How about, 'Nobody should throw stones'? That's… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I like stand-up. But I'd also like a family and house and a yard. I want to work with a lot of… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I didn't play music, nobody in my family had an instrument or played music, we didn't even have any books at my… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
For example, I was a White House intern the summer before I dropped out of law school. Everybody knew about it. I'd… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
A refrigerator is the opposite of a drug addict, because a refrigerator starts in a box and then moves to a house. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
There is a fine line between a sleepover and just drinking way too much at someone else's house. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I wish I lived next to Carnegie Hall. Then, if someone asked me how to get to my house, I would just… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I think hair gel was invented to make it easier to identify assholes from a distance. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
When someone describes themself as a taxpayer, they're about to be an asshole. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I like to go to concerts because I love to see my favorite band through the phone of the asshole who's standing in front… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
Skiing is my favorite sport, because, that's the only sport that is actually better to watch the worst the person is at it. "That… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I know about Woodstock probably as much as your average person who is over 30, where I'd know Jimi Hendrix, Janis Joplin, Grateful Dead. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I bought a cactus. A week later it died. And I got depressed, because I thought, Damn. I am less nurturing than a desert. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
THING TO TRY: If you are asked to describe a suspect to a police sketch artist, describe in precise detail, the features of the… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
