Holyfield won the fight. It's not the first time Romney has been knocked out by a black guy. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
The Mars Polar Lander has been quieter than George W. Bush after a foreign policy question. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Overall Bush's European trip has been an overwhelming success. Not once has he gotten separated from his group. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Now there are reports that Osama bin Laden would like to commit suicide on television. This is the kind of lead-in I… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Since 1980, there have been 91 breaches of security at the White House. Well, 92 if you count George Bush. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
To label Jason Randal a magician does a disservice. You'll think the laws of physics, nature, the universe itself have been suspended.… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Did you folks see President Bush's State of the Union Address? How about that surprise announcement? Howard Dean has been captured and… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Monday is President's Day and former President Bill Clinton is very excited. He is taking George Bush, Sr. to 'Hooters'. ... George… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
The CIA special unit that was searching for Osama bin Laden has been disbanded. So I guess, mission accomplished. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Pope Francis is going to go to Washington, D.C., to address Congress. He believes the New England Patriots have been deflating his… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
He has been greatly missed since his retirement ... Thank God for videotapes and DVDs. In this regard, he will always be around. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
If you didn’t believe it before — and it’s easy to understand how you might have been sceptical on this point —… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
A pair of ruby red slippers worn by Judy Garland in The Wizard of Oz have been stolen. The thief is described… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Today would have been the birthday of Osama bin Laden. It makes me remember when Seal Team 6 threw him a surprise party. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Happy Birthday to Fay Wray, a wonderful actress. She was, of course, in the movie 'King Kong' and would have been 99-years-old… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
When I stopped smoking cigars it was the biggest mistake I made in my life. So my resolution for 98 is Im… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
President Bush announced that the war in Iraq has been won. It's all over, it's been won. I believe this would be… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
You can email me, but I prefer letters that come through conventional mail. I like letters that have been licked by strangers. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
You probably heard about the big prisoner swap with Cuba. A man who has been incarcerated in Havana for five years is… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Two things you need to know about taxes. They've extended the deadline to April 18, and when you write your check, just make it… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
You know Kim Jong Un, the evil dictator of North Korea? Apparently, a guy in his inner circle used his ashtray while smoking and… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
It's the first day of spring. That means this weekend I'll take down my Christmas lights. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
There are a lot of New York City Thanksgiving traditions. For example, a lot of New Yorkers don't buy the frozen Thanksgiving turkey. They… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
I can hardly wait until Donald Trump announces his celebrity cabinet. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Experts say this global warming is serious, and they are predicting now that by the year 2050, we will be out of party ice. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
We make a lot of fun at President Clinton's expense. But this transition is going to be tough because it's been 25 years since… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
I'm worried about John Kerry, he's so confident now that he's already planning his White House sex scandal. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
I vote Democrat because I'm way too irresponsible to own a gun, and I know that my local police are all I need to… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Do I think there is a heaven? Uh, yeah I do. Like a really big gymnasium. How do I see myself there? With really… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
If it wasn't for coffee, I'd have no discernible personality at all. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
