My character is self-important, poorly informed, well-intentioned but an idiot, ... So we said, `Let's give him a promotion. — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
Give a man a suicide bomb, he blows up once. Teach a man to suicide bomb, he also blows up once. — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
You know what I hate about people who criticize you? They - they criticize what you say but they never give you… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
Researchers from Britain's Keele University have found that swearing after an injury may help alleviate pain. Evidently, the pain that you feel… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
Every night on my show, The Colbert Report, I speak straight from the gut, okay? I give people the truth, unfiltered by… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
I have two last pieces of advice. First, being pre-approved for a credit card does not mean you have to apply for… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
It's time for me to give out an award to newly elected Majority Leader John Boehner. Mr. Boehner was elected just a… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
This is America. I don't want a tomato picked by a Mexican. I want it picked by an American, then sliced by… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
Give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day. Give a man a sub-prime fish loan and you're in business,… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
Every night on my show, The Colbert Report, I speak straight from the gut, okay? I give people the truth, unfiltered by… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
TV's Tony Snow becomes the White House press secretary. How will he make the difficult transition from Fox News reporter to Republican… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
Don't be bitter. Everybody suffers. If you can accept your suffering then you will understand other people better. Be grateful for pain. Love life. — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
Cynicism masquerades as wisdom, but it is the farthest thing from it. Because cynics don’t learn anything. Because cynicism is a self-imposed blindness, a… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
We all deserve credit for this new surveillance state that we live in because we the people voted for the Patriot Act. Democrats and… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
I've long been against illegal aliens, partly because they distract us from an even bigger threat: real aliens. — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
Believe in me, cause I don't believe in anything, and I wanna be someone to believe. — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
It's August, which means Congress is on recess and Mitch McConnell has shimmied back into the ocean to seek a mate. — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
Try to love others and serve others and hopefully find those who love and serve you in return. — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
Thirty seconds is the exact amount of time Americans can tolerate something they don't understand. — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
I used to make up stuff in my bio all the time, that I used to be a professional ice-skater and stuff like that.… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
I live by syllogisms: God is love. Love is blind. Stevie Wonder is blind. Therefore, Stevie Wonder is God. I don't know what I'd… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
“Unlike Paul Newman, who seems to think that salad dressing is the cure-all for America's ills, I'm a man of action.” — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
Now, for my younger viewers out there, a book is something we used to have before the internet. It’s sort of a blog for… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
