Funny drinking Quotes

I like to have a martini, Two at the very most.

— Dorothy Parker

There's a thousand reasons why I shouldn't drink... but I can't think of one right now.

— Shemp Howard

Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's house unless they have a well-stocked bar.

— W. C. Fields

I feel sorry for people who do not have a Bible to lean on.

— Adrian Rogers

No poems can please long or live that are written by water drinkers.

— Horace

Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.

— Anonymous

Why don't I drink from a straw? Because straws are for suckers.

— Abraham Lincoln

You can't drink all day if you don't start in the morning.

— Celia Rivenbark

I always take Scotch whiskey at night as a preventive of toothache. I have never had the toothache; and what is more,…

— Mark Twain

I blew the lot on vodka and tonic, gambling and fags. Looking back, I think I overdid it on the tonic.

— Stan Bowles

If I have one, I'll have thirteen. No, there ain't no in-betwee. Cuz the more I drink, the more I drink, the…

— Blake Shelton

Give an Irishman lager for a month and he's a dead man. An Irishman's stomach is lined with copper, and the beer…

— Mark Twain

I don't have a drink problem. But if that was the case and doctors told me I had to stop, I'd like…

— Oliver Reed

It is most absurdly said, in popular language, of any man, that he is disguised in liquor; for, on the contrary, most…

— Thomas de Quincey

A perfect martini should be made by filling a glass with gin then waving it in the general direction of Italy.

— Noel Coward

I went out with a guy who once told me I didn’t need to drink to make myself more fun to be…

— Chelsea Handler

The only way that I could figure they could improve upon Coca-Cola, one of life's most delightful elixirs, which studies prove will…

— Lewis Grizzard

Here's to alcohol, the rose colored glasses of life.

— F. Scott Fitzgerald

There is no bad whiskey. There are only some whiskeys that aren't as good as others.

— Raymond Chandler

You can't be a real country unless you have a beer.

— Frank Zappa

Reality is an illusion created by a lack of alcohol.

— N. F. Simpson

I was a sober as the next guy. The only problem is the next guy was Dean Martin

— Red Skelton

I went to the worst of bars hoping to get killed but all I could do was to get drunk again.

— Charles Bukowski

God invented whiskey to keep the Irish from ruling the world.

— Ed McMahon

Nobody cares that you're smart and nobody cares that your kids don't have bruises.

— Jim Jefferies

No animal ever invented anything as bad as drunkenness - or so good as drink.

— Gilbert K. Chesterton

The British government has urged its citizens to abstain from alcohol at least two days a week. Or to make it easier…

— Conan O'Brien

We drink and we die and continue to drink.

— Denis Leary

Any man who eats dessert is not drinking enough.

— Ernest Hemingway

My advice to you... is to start drinking heavily.

— John Belushi

Madam, if you were my wife, I would drink it.

— Winston Churchill

A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.

— Albert Einstein

There can be nothing more frequent than an occasional drink.

— Oscar Wilde

Don't trust people who don't laugh. I don't.

— Maya Angelou

Sir, if you were my husband, I would poison your drink.

— Nancy Astor

No soldier can fight unless he is properly fed on beef and beer.

— John Churchill, 1st Duke of Marlborough

I exercise strong self control. I never drink anything stronger than gin before breakfast.

— W. C. Fields

Alright, remember, alcohol equals puke equals smelly mess equals nobody likes you.

— Adam Sandler

I went on a diet, swore off drinking and heavy eating, and in fourteen days I had lost exactly two weeks.

— Joe E. Lewis

Wine is constant proof that God loves us and likes to see us happy.

— Benjamin Franklin