I've had plenty of friends tell me that their first time doing stand-up, they do well, and then they tank for a… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
Some people have their own bowling ball and their own bowling shoes... and no friends. — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
“Every year after Jeannie has her annual baby, I receive congratulations from friends and family. There’s always one person who says, “Oh,… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
“After a couple of kids, there might be one good friend left. And that friend is never available because she has too… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
You ever mix two different groups of friends? That can be stressful. You always feel like you have to prep 'em. You're… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
Don't take this the wrong way but I care more and I'm a better online friend than you. I also spend way… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
Anyone know if the shuttles to Hell will have Wifi? Asking for a friend. — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
My childhood best friend is an anesthesiologist. It's the least amount of human interaction for a doctor. I don't think you can… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
Stand-up comedy in the end, unlike the rest of the entertainment industry, is a meritocracy. There's a certain level of undeniability you can work… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
I think growing up in Indiana prepares anyone for a life in comedy. I do feel like there is a certain kind of self-effacing… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
Besides hot pockets keeps introducing new products every 10 minutes so I always have new stuff on the topic. — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
“The song goes, “Morning has broken,” and I’m pretty sure my children broke it. Like everything else they break, if they did break it,… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
I am single, I don't drink. It's kind of hard to get a woman buzzed when you don't drink. You'll be like, "Yeah, I'll… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
Babies and toddlers are mostly what I've been exposed to at this point. I'm hoping parenting just gets much easier after this. It does,… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
Isn't it strange -- when you're single, all you see is couples, and when you're part of a couple, all you see are hookers. — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
I usually don't have a burger, a brat, and a steak but it is 4th of July. And I need the energy if I'm… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
“If you complain about how you spend your Saturdays taking your kid to birthday parties, that means you are taking your kid to birthday parties. If you complain about how hard it is to get your kid to read, it means you are trying to get your kid to read. If you are complaining about your kid not helping around… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share
I believe that comedians do what they do, and then they get credit or criticism for doing it. There's nothing planned about this. — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
