Rock is fine. No structural damage to rock. Rock can break through paper at any point. Just say the word. Paper sucks. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I like "Rock, Paper, Scissors Two-Thirds." You know. "Rock breaks scissors." "These scissors are bent. They're destroyed. I can't cut stuff. So… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I wonder what the most intelligent thing ever said was that started with the word 'dude.' 'Dude, these are isotopes.' 'Dude, we… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
There is a fine line between a sleepover and just drinking way too much at someone else's house. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I live in New York and there are a lot of famous... pizzerias in my neighborhood, it's really hard to find one… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
My family was fine, it's just a different way of going about life. Creativity was not something that was isolated and identified… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
There's a very fine line between giving someone the Heimlich maneuver and dry-humping a stranger. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I don't know what the long form of OK is. I wanna think it's okie dokie. 'I'm okie dokie. I'm a little… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I think hair gel was invented to make it easier to identify assholes from a distance. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
When someone describes themself as a taxpayer, they're about to be an asshole. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I like to go to concerts because I love to see my favorite band through the phone of the asshole who's standing in front… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
Skiing is my favorite sport, because, that's the only sport that is actually better to watch the worst the person is at it. "That… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I know about Woodstock probably as much as your average person who is over 30, where I'd know Jimi Hendrix, Janis Joplin, Grateful Dead. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I bought a cactus. A week later it died. And I got depressed, because I thought, Damn. I am less nurturing than a desert. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
THING TO TRY: If you are asked to describe a suspect to a police sketch artist, describe in precise detail, the features of the… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
