“My mother agreed to aid my abuse of alcohol but only if I promised never to tell my newly converted Mormon sister,… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
Obviously, if I was serious about having a relationship with some one long-term, the last people I would introduce him to would… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
Paula Abdul's really impatient to start a family. She says if she has to wait much longer she's going to go crazy-er. — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
“How could I have missed the opportunity to pop pills with my sister who was purer than a Quaker?” — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
“And by the way, the fact that she's not speaking to anyone in her family is a pretty good indicator that she… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
“My mother is the antithesis of a typical Jewish mother, she is very soft-spoken and takes more naps that a cat. As… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
I think the people in your life are the people that - when you can make other people happy and you can… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
[Late-night host] is not really a job for a woman. You can't have kids and be a late-night host.I mean Samantha Bee… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
People always tell me I need to have a kid, and I say, No, I don't. Because I wouldn't have just one… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
“Seconds later, the female security officer grabbed a pair of my father's shorts from the top of the duffel bag, and emptied… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
I think the people I talk about are generally so stupid that they don't even know I'm saying bad things about them. I've run… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
At some point during almost every romantic comedy, the female lead suddenly trips and falls, stumbling helplessly over something ridiculous like a leaf, and… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
A federal grand jury is investigating allegations that David Copperfield raped, assaulted and threatened a woman he took to his private island in the… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
It's been my experience that people who make proclamations about themselves are usually the opposite of what they claim to be. If someone is… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
“My mother agreed to aid my abuse of alcohol but only if I promised never to tell my newly converted Mormon sister, whose identity… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
I try to not overthink anything. I don't understand why nipples are nudity. Who cares? Men can show their nipples but if we have… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
Seeing your mother naked is not something you easily recover from. Seeing your mother naked and jumping from one side of a king-sized bed… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
I don't like the word 'alcoholic'. I like to think of myself as an advanced drinker. — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
I can remember my first one-night stand like it was yesterday. Well, maybe not the first. Or the second¦ or the fifth. Ill just… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
“It was quite obvious that without severe behavior modification, this boy would grow up to be a serial killer.” — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
Why he would agree to install an eight-by-eight-foot fish tank and then not fill it with a single dolphin made me want to burn… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
![“[Late-night host] is not really a job for a woman. You can't have kids and be a late-night host.I mean Samantha Bee has children, but you're there all day and all night. No one has a life outside of it. I would never try to have a family. I care much more about a career anyway, than having a…” quote by Chelsea Handler](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/img-quotes/21d/chelsea-handler-887_all-night_late-night-host-is-not-really-a-job-for_2229366.jpg)
