Better not take a dog on the space shuttle, because if he sticks his head out when you're coming home, his face… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I can see why it would be prohibited to throw most things off the top of the Empire State Building, but what's… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I bet the sparrow looks at the parrot and thinks, yes, you can talk, but LISTEN TO YOURSELF! — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Why do people in ship mutinies always ask for "better treatment"? I'd ask for a pinball machine, because with all that rocking… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Why is it that we will laugh at a man in a clown outfit, but we won't laugh at a man just… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Can't the Marx Brothers be arrested and maybe even tortured for all the confusion and problems they've caused? — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Anytime I see something screech across a room and latch onto someone's neck, and the guy screams and tries to get it… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I don't think God put me on this planet to judge others. I think he put me on this planet to gather… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
My new millionaire idea is one regular shoe and one "swollen" shoe, for when you get bit by a rattlesnake. — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I think someone should have had the decency to tell me the luncheon was free. To make someone run out with potato… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I think there should be something in science called the "reindeer effect." I don't know what it would be, but I think… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
There are many stages to a man's life. In the first stage, he is young and eager, like a beaver. In the… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I think a new, different kind of bowling should be "carpet bowling." It's just like regular bowling, only the lanes are carpet… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I saw on this nature show how the male elk douses himself with urine to smell sweeter to the opposite sex. What… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
If doctors ever tell you that you've "flipped out," don't believe them, and just keep on doing what you were doing, because… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I'd like to see a nude opera, because when they hit those really high notes, I bet you can really see it… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I remember how my Great Uncle Jerry would sit on the porch and whittle all day long. Once he whittled me a… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
When the chairman introduced the guest speaker as a former illegal alien, I got up from my chair and yelled, "What's the… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Some folks say it was a miracle. Saint Francis suddenly appeared and knocked the next pitch clean over the fence. But I… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
If you're a circus clown, and you have a dog that you use in your act, I don't think it's a good… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I hate it when people say somebody has a "speech impediment", even if he does, because it could hurt his feelings. So… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
If you're ever stuck in some thick undergrowth in your underwear, don't stop and start thinking of what other words have "under"… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
If I ever opened a trampoline store, I don't think I'd call it Trampo-Land, because you might think it was a store… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kind of scary. I've wondered where this started and I think it goes back… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
When I was a kid my favorite relative was Uncle Caveman. After school we'd all go play in his cave, and every… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Sometimes life seems like a dream, especially when I look down and see that I forgot to put on my pants. — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I think the best Thanksgiving we ever had was one where we didn't even have a turkey. Mom and Dad sat us kids down… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
At first I thought, if I were Superman, a perfect secret identity would be "Clark Kent, Dentist," because you could save money on tooth… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Sometimes I wonder if I'm patriotic enough. Yes, I want to kill people, but on both sides. — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I don't understand people who say life is a mystery, because what is it they want to know? — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
It's probably not a good idea to be chewing on a toothpick if you're talking to the president, because what if he tells a… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Probably to a shark, about the funniest thing there is is a wounded seal, trying to swim to shore, because WHERE DOES HE THINK… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I wish I lived back in the Old West days, because I'd save up my money for about twenty years so I could buy… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Why do there have to be rules for everything? It's gotten to the point that rules dominate just about every aspect of our lives.… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Most people don't realize that large pieces of coral, which have been painted brown and attached to the skull by common wood screws, can… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Here's a suggestion for a new animal, if some new ones get created or evolve: something that stings you, then laughs at you. — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
When you go ice-skating, try not to swing your arms too much, because that really annoys me. — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
