Because Utah is largely Mormon country, the firing squad's a little different. You're blindfolded but no cigarette. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
The European countries are really hoping to do well in the Olympics. If they win gold medals, they can use them as… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
They say there are about 12 million illegal immigrants in this country. But if you ask a Native American, that number is… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
America is the only country where a significant proportion of the population believes that professional wrestling is real but the moon landing… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Newt Gingrich says he wants to get rid of Social Security. Who is more qualified to give this country financial advice than… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Kim Jong Un shaved his eyebrows and got his hair sticking right up. How would you like the leader of your country… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
John Boehner is a member of a country club in Ohio. It turns out that the bartender was plotting to poison Boehner.… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Don't kid yourself. Global warming is no joke. Here's how serious global warming has gotten to be in the United States. In… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
It's interesting what former presidents do when they leave office. Bush is now working as a motivational speaker. And if you want… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
The reason I vote Democrat is because I think it's better to pay billions for oil to people who hate us, but… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Two things you need to know about taxes. They've extended the deadline to April 18, and when you write your check, just make it… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
You know Kim Jong Un, the evil dictator of North Korea? Apparently, a guy in his inner circle used his ashtray while smoking and… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
It's the first day of spring. That means this weekend I'll take down my Christmas lights. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
There are a lot of New York City Thanksgiving traditions. For example, a lot of New Yorkers don't buy the frozen Thanksgiving turkey. They… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
I can hardly wait until Donald Trump announces his celebrity cabinet. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Experts say this global warming is serious, and they are predicting now that by the year 2050, we will be out of party ice. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
We make a lot of fun at President Clinton's expense. But this transition is going to be tough because it's been 25 years since… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
I'm worried about John Kerry, he's so confident now that he's already planning his White House sex scandal. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
I vote Democrat because I'm way too irresponsible to own a gun, and I know that my local police are all I need to… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Do I think there is a heaven? Uh, yeah I do. Like a really big gymnasium. How do I see myself there? With really… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
If it wasn't for coffee, I'd have no discernible personality at all. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
