“Amy, she’s got a memory like an elephant, and a body like a meow.” — Jarod Kintz Animal Copy Share Image
“If I had the word “war” in my last name, like “Flowar,” I’d probably be a peaceful guy.” — Jarod Kintz Peace Copy Share Image
“I’d rather have a high EQ than a high IQ. After all, what is more important than love?” — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“A pile of hairy towels is not a passable substitute for a dog.” — Jarod Kintz Animal Copy Share Image
“I feel like the boy who cried wolf, even though I know even less about politics.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I get Gulliver’s Travels and Thousand Island dressing mixed up.” — Jarod Kintz Gulliver Copy Share Image
“I think all toys should be invisible. Not only would they improve children’s imaginations, but they’d also be really affordable. In fact,… — Jarod Kintz Children Copy Share Image
“Nipples—men have them, but don’t need them. Men—women have them, but don’t need them. Women—I don’t have them, but I need them.… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If there are two witnesses to a murder, you and the guy you killed, I’d say your secret is safe. I won’t… — Jarod Kintz Secret Copy Share Image
“Who wants to be the unsung heroes of my voiceless choir quartet? We’re the Helen Kellers, and I’m holding auditions with oven… — Jarod Kintz Auditions Copy Share Image
“Don’t tell me your name. If you don’t tell me your name, I can’t hurt your feelings by forgetting it.” — Jarod Kintz Forgetting Copy Share Image
“My love has six sides, but it’s not a coffin. That’s just an optical illusion. Still, one day my love for you… — Jarod Kintz Death Copy Share Image
“Love doesn’t have form (aside from your naked body), but it does have a shape. The shape of love is circular, like… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“When bananas blush, they turn brown, not red. And when tomatoes blush, you’ve probably said something really naughty.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“What you wear is more important than what you say, and if your shirt’s not pressed, impressions are instantly formed about you.… — Jarod Kintz Nudists Copy Share Image
“I want to write a universal truism that won’t be blurred by body language, cultural confusion, or translation mishaps, so I want… — Jarod Kintz Body language Copy Share Image
“Newt Gingrich, buddy, the people of the United States don’t like you. And the only reason the rest of the world doesn’t… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Question for your life: Let’s say we’re on a date, and I’m being all seductive by talking nonstop about such interesting topics… — Jarod Kintz Life Copy Share Image
“A brick could be your new best friend. If this appeals to you, it’s probably because people tend to seek the company… — Jarod Kintz Best friend Copy Share Image
“A brick is like fruitcake. You don’t want to use it up all at once, and in fact, you don’t want to… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“When I go to a restaurant and they say, “How many in your party?” and I say, “One,” I feel sad because… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“In the 48 hours following my discovery of her infidelity, I found out she’d been with three other guys—two of them being… — Jarod Kintz Conjoined twins Copy Share Image
“Don’t just compare yourself to the best, compare yourself to the average man and also to yourself when you started out. Compare… — Jarod Kintz Confidence Copy Share Image
“I called my father, but he pretended to be sleeping at first, then claimed not to know me, and then claimed I… — Jarod Kintz Middle of the night Copy Share Image
“Dating is all about getting to know somebody, without wasting a lot of time or money. What is the price of love?… — Jarod Kintz Assembly line Copy Share Image
“Apple is the Ferrari of the computer world. I’m not sure if the “engine” is superior, however, but the frame sure is… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I had a dream about you. You looked so beautiful that I felt compelled to say something. So I said, “The fish… — Jarod Kintz Dream Copy Share Image
“Dear Mr. Peacock, I miss your plumage, and I’m flummoxed by your plummeting desire to be desired. You’re like an albino in… — Jarod Kintz Dwell on the past Copy Share Image
“Through the miracle of science, or divine intervention, a brick could be made soft, like Jell-O, and a blanket could be made… — Jarod Kintz Divine intervention Copy Share Image
“Love walked in the door like a dusty cowboy, and I looked that cowboy dead in his eyes and said, “I thought… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
