Sometimes the thing that brings us together also pulls us apart. Sort of like a zipper. — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Nine out of ten Jarod Kintzes agree that there is only one Jarod Kintz.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Life seems so am/pm. But really it’s not as balanced as all that.” — Jarod Kintz Balance Copy Share Image
“My erection at noon causes an elongated shadow so black you’d think I was an albino.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“My neck size is about the size of both of my girlfriend’s clenched hands.” — Jarod Kintz Girlfriend Copy Share Image
“She grew broccoli, and I grew dentures. We were perfect for each other. Our love disappeared into each other like a box… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I gather wisdom like a net gathers fish. And the more fish I get in my net, the more I feel like… — Jarod Kintz Wisdom Copy Share Image
“But I still have no cash flow. I need a job, or the gift of prophecy and a plane ticket to Las… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I used pleading insanity as a threat, and now I employ it as a party favor. (The Communist party is the one… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If my legs get blown off in war, I’d like to have them replaced with a coffee table. Half man/half furniture, I’ll… — Jarod Kintz Life Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to sell war to the peacemongers. The trick is to sell war cheap, because the real profit… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I am terrified of heights, sharks, and spiders, so I am not into skydiving, surfing, or camping. I am the epitome of… — Jarod Kintz Cowardice Copy Share Image
“Hoping you were the first to do something, and fearing you weren’t the first, won’t change the future by altering the past.… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Everywhere I go I'm too focused on everyone else to realize that they are too focused on themselves. And by everyone else… — Jarod Kintz Focus Copy Share Image
“I think we should change the amount of time in each day. Sunday thru Friday should be reduced from 24 hours down… — Jarod Kintz Friday Copy Share Image
“The shirt I have on today is the color of a banana, and tomorrow’s shirt will also be the color of a… — Jarod Kintz Tomorrow Copy Share Image
“Call me paranoid, but the shape the human hand makes when extending out for a handshake looks suspiciously like a karate chop.… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’m a miner, and I’m always dirty, because I’m constantly digging. Am I shoveling for gold? Hardly. I’m unearthing this hearty land… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Order for Jarod,” she said as I walked over to pick it up. This was it, this was my moment. Rebecca has… — Jarod Kintz Smile Copy Share Image
“The bad news is most of my books are ebooks and aren't for sale in brick-and-mortar bookstores. The good news is that… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Love can make people do crazy things. I once saw a man streak down Blanding Blvd. with only a banana peel stapled… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick could be attached to a parachute and tossed out of an airplane, to test if it opens up properly. Well,… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“To save space and money, Thor and my mom work in the same office, which is basically like a converted closet, only… — Jarod Kintz Money Copy Share Image
“I had a dream about you. We made a good team, you and I, and I thought we were in love, but… — Jarod Kintz Dreams Copy Share Image
“His name is Arnold. But you’re not on a first name basis with him, and that’s not his first name. So that’s… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I wanted to write something that made no linear sense. None. Zero. Something that was 87% pure nonsense, 12% pure alcohol, and… — Jarod Kintz Comedy Copy Share Image
“I had a dream about you. I was trying to dissect love like it was a frog, and you were trying to… — Jarod Kintz Dreams Copy Share Image
“I had a dream about you. The king decreed we could only speak one word, and that word would be assigned to… — Jarod Kintz Dream Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used as a hammer. A brick could be both a tool and a building material in the construction… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
