“I like using scented markers. Especially when I’m trying to color the inside of my nostrils.” — Jarod Kintz Smell Copy Share Image
“Nobody likes a dick. Except a pussy. Or an asshole. Or a goat’s mouth.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The list of women he’s slept with is longer than his penis. The list is three inches long.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I enjoy breakfast in bed. But not while I am sleeping, because that’s when I’m making love.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If I hung out with Van Gogh, I don’t know what we’d do. We’d just play it by ear, I guess.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I am Vigalig the Destroyer. Except during the day, and then I am Gigalig the Giggler.” — Jarod Kintz Comedy Copy Share Image
“Why did the brick and blanket cross the road? Because some maniac had just run over the chicken. That maniac was me,… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“They’ll know who the brains of the operation was when they see me smash my clone’s skull on the concrete.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“She had blonde hair like spaghetti noodles, and then she went and dyed it marinara. But I loved her like I enjoy… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Work hard or don’t work hard, either way your hair will turn gray. I should let you be alone while you die,… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Obviousism—I would give you a definition, but the definition would only be an example of the word.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Inviting the invading army over for dinner, buffet style, is a bad idea. Especially when I just took a bath in the… — Jarod Kintz Bad idea Copy Share Image
“A door shaped like a vagina is more inviting. Sure, I’ll come in, but not slouched over. Allow me to straighten up… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I tried to knock my wife up, but she’d only let me ring the doorbell. And she made me dress up like… — Jarod Kintz Marriage Copy Share Image
“There was an amazing party last night. I would have asked you to come with me, but the invitation read “Guest plus… — Jarod Kintz Invitation Copy Share Image
“With the rising cost of food, either the portions get smaller, or the quality gets inferior. So, for example, pizza that used… — Jarod Kintz Food Copy Share Image
“I’m never lonelier than when I’m in a crowded room, talking to nobody, awkward and isolated, trying to decide how to stand… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The Builders are building with you in mind, dear citizen, so don’t worry your tiny mind about whether the bricks they are… — Jarod Kintz Builders Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used to tell people a thousand miles and a thousand years away hello. Greetings European people of 3013!… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The girl who did my oil change was so sexy that after she was done, I drove nonstop 2500 miles one way,… — Jarod Kintz Change Copy Share Image
“If I converted an old bubble gum machine into a Love Dispenser, and charged a quarter for some love, then people probably… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be shared with someone cold. And if you’re sharing your blanket, they might as well share the blame in… — Jarod Kintz Getting Pregnant Copy Share Image
“Cupid, that chubby cherub love dispenser, is dead. But before he died, he appointed me his apprentice in love. I loved Cupid,… — Jarod Kintz Cupid Copy Share Image
“If a blanket could be used to keep one person warm, then it stands to reason that all the blankets in the… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I had a dream about you. You were a lone candle on a barren vanilla cake, and I was the mighty breath… — Jarod Kintz Dream Copy Share Image
“I was in the shower the other day and I noticed on the back of the shampoo bottle it said, "Avoid contact… — Jarod Kintz Eye contact Copy Share Image
“If I were to list all the positive attributes about Ryan Lilly, I’d run out of superior adjectives to use. I mean… — Jarod Kintz Body love Copy Share Image
“Bricks could be used to make a billion dollars. It’s easy! All you need to do is fill up a shopping cart… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The moonlight filtered through the trees like water from a strainer. Agatha’s hair was the color and consistency of wet noodles. I… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I had a dream about you. You were trying to understand the nature of nature, and I was trying to understand understanding.… — Jarod Kintz Dream Copy Share Image
