“My name is Mr. Murderedscott. But if you want to know what happened to Scott, I didn’t kill him.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I have a secret knock. It’s so secret that I never use it, lest you hear my knuckles knocking and try to… — Jarod Kintz Investing Copy Share Image
“Wrinkles don’t signify old age, they signify a lack of ironing skills or a dearth of hangers to hang clothes on.” — Jarod Kintz Old age Copy Share Image
“My rule of thumb for hitchhiking is: stick it up straight and proud and make if visible to all drivers.” — Jarod Kintz Hitchhiking Copy Share Image
“I have an inconsequential errand to run tomorrow so I’ll get up at 5, be there at 5:30, and wait for them… — Jarod Kintz Errand Copy Share Image
“I am not the No Factory I yessed into existence. I love with an intensity that needs to be felt to be… — Jarod Kintz Life Copy Share Image
“Growing up, my parents never gave me as much as I wanted for my birthday. For example, one year I wanted a… — Jarod Kintz Birthday Copy Share Image
“If love were a person, it would look like me, only taller. And more handsome. And quite likely more muscular too.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A disobedient child is one who blinks of his own volition, without being told to or even looked at. That’s usually when… — Jarod Kintz Blindfold Copy Share Image
“I wash my hair with strawberry jelly, because my favorite thing to eat for breakfast is lunch. It’s never too late to… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“It’s a fact I want to own a factory that makes up facts and figures, and I figure to make a fortune… — Jarod Kintz Money Copy Share Image
“Bricks could be used to feed the homeless. But why not use those bricks to build the homeless people homes? Oh yeah,… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The escalator doesn’t work, and you’d think they’d still be used as stairs, but in this economic depression, even the stairs are… — Jarod Kintz Economic depression Copy Share Image
“I saw him do a No More Potatoes Dance, after he saw me stuff the last of the mashed potatoes in my… — Jarod Kintz Food Copy Share Image
“To keep my cat from drinking out of the toilet, I could close the toilet lid, I could close the bathroom door,… — Jarod Kintz Bad example Copy Share Image
“If I had my clone take a test for me, it’s likely I’d misspell my own name. And I’m terrible at remembering… — Jarod Kintz Clone Copy Share Image
“I'm growing as a person. I'm self-farming. That's the highest form of farming, even greater than being a duck farmer, which, as… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“It’s spring now, and I was just thinking that I haven’t been in love since the fall. The fall of the Roman… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“My gas tank is empty, and my stomach is empty, but my heart if full—of love. However, per gallon, I think I… — Jarod Kintz Gallon Copy Share Image
“I have an ill-fitting jacket. It looks sick. It has an “I Voted” sticker on it, so perhaps it’s as disgusted with… — Jarod Kintz Politics Copy Share Image
“Maybe I could hear better if my ears weren’t flipped inside out. Unlike a cat’s ears, you can’t tell mine are flipped… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If writers write, then rangers range. And I’d like to wake up every morning and be a mother, so I could eat… — Jarod Kintz Every morning Copy Share Image
“The smell of coffee was enough to wake up my neighbors. In a display of gratitude, they complained about my music being… — Jarod Kintz Coffee Copy Share Image
“I’ll exhale hot breath into my palm before touching you, because I have cold hands, and also because your hands smell like… — Jarod Kintz Smell Copy Share Image
“Call me Jack Sonville. It’s not just my name—it’s my location. I’d love to move. But first I’d have to change my… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Fight or flight? If I had wings, there’d be no choice. But since I don’t have wings, I have to rely on… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to send a message. The quickest way to send it would be through the air, and it… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I want to be able to convert sunlight to iron, because your body needs it to live, particularly if an attacker is… — Jarod Kintz Sunlight Copy Share Image
“If I were an armadillo, and a stranger came up and said I looked familiar, and they wanted to know why I… — Jarod Kintz Brotherhood Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used instead of a red light. They’re both red, and I’d run both with equal fervor. ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“My favorite flower lost its voice, and through aroma therapy and the assistance of both my nostrils, I’m trying to help it… — Jarod Kintz Mental health Copy Share Image
“All I have to say about love can be summed up in nine words: Never wipe your ass before you take a… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“I took my pants off slowly, thinking if I did it too fast I’d possibly rip a hole in the center of… — Jarod Kintz Center of the universe Copy Share Image
“I run my household like a marathon. That’s 26.2 miles of me taking orders from my significant other, who has significantly more… — Jarod Kintz Family Copy Share Image
“I worked for one day, and left with two days in my back pocket. I couldn’t stuff them in my crotch, because… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
If I have to beat you up to keep you safe, thats just what Ill do. Its this kind of regard for… — Jarod Kintz Humor Copy Share Image
“We shouldn’t eat raw food. In fact, we probably shouldn’t even be listening to the radio. Too much nudity soaking in through… — Jarod Kintz Food Copy Share Image
“My uncle's a big drinker. In fact, he just got a liver transplant. They replaced it with a bottle of whiskey.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I would suggest aboulia isn’t frequently spelled abulia, because I doubt it’s frequently spelled at all.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’m a handyman. I work with my hand. I masturbate for a living. That’s right, I’m in politics.” — Jarod Kintz Life Copy Share Image
