“The first thing she told me after I hit on her was that she had a boyfriend of nine months, and I… — Jarod Kintz Nine months Copy Share Image
“If love were seaweed, I’d ask myself one question: Are you the sort of person who’d swim through it, or would you… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“To live a sinless life is good, but if you live in a cave and positively influence nobody, you may not have… — Jarod Kintz Life Copy Share Image
“Kick the blanket, don’t kick the bucket—especially if that bucket is full of death (or bricks). ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Some guys are the type of people who bring brass knuckles to a fight. I've always thought it prudent to bring some… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick could be placed on your child’s cafeteria lunch tray, in place of the less appetizing and more unnatural food they… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Thor once took an IQ test, and he was scoring so high that the referees took away his ability to shoot three… — Jarod Kintz Thor Copy Share Image
“I love tables. And dancing. Oh, and I love table dancing, although Grandmother always says, "Wait until we're finished eating.” — Jarod Kintz Dance Copy Share Image
“The pain I felt when I lost my glove was nothing compared to the pain I felt losing my hand as well.” — Jarod Kintz Pain Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to let that special someone in your life know how much you love them. Instead of tossing… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I'm sort of a girly guy in that I love cats, rainbows, sunsets, flowers, trees, and sex. But not sex with trees.” — Jarod Kintz Trees Copy Share Image
“The future seems so crowded to me. All I see is me, me, me, me, me and a million other clones of… — Jarod Kintz Clone Copy Share Image
“Faith: a device of the mind, fed by the soul, that functions like crutches to a man in a wheelchair.” — Jarod Kintz Faith Copy Share Image
“I met two twins, each named Dakota. I nicknamed the older one North, and the younger one I called—you guessed it—Cock Tease.” — Jarod Kintz Twins Copy Share Image
“I don’t want to make love last, I want to make love second to last. The last thing we’ll do is cuddle.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I want to create a 3-4 deal—buy three for the price of four. Offer valid for any product but love, which is… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“I’d like to assess all the asses on the beach. By hand. I should try to get a sponsorship from an oven… — Jarod Kintz Beach Copy Share Image
“A haunted house could be used like a Band-Aid to stop a bleeding brick. But why stop the bleeding? Stab it a… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“It’s easier to hide your smoking habit on a foggy night. Let that be a lesson for you and your secret lover.” — Jarod Kintz Fog Copy Share Image
“Like my grandpa, who dropped out of school to farm, I have a 4th grade education. Of course, I have a college… — Jarod Kintz Education Copy Share Image
“His voice was so gravelly I could drive a truck on it. And I would have, but I came carrying my bicycle.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’ve had a stressful day, and I need something stronger than beer. Somebody fetch me a bodybuilder. Check the cooler in the… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Too many men have died in the name of old age. I know, because my grandmother was one of them.” — Jarod Kintz Grandmother Copy Share Image
“Half of what I write is garbage, but if I don’t get it down on paper it decomposes in my head. This… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The bands of color in a rainbow remind me of my band, Bands of Color. We’re not very musical, but we sure… — Jarod Kintz Music making Copy Share Image
“As a point of fact, the best apologies don’t come at the point of a sword, they come freely and of one’s… — Jarod Kintz Torture Copy Share Image
“He attacked me, so I had to slit his throat with a steak knife. But not before I splashed Worcestershire sauce all… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“When people say they don’t understand my generation, I like to point out that it’s not “my” generation. I’m only co-owner with… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Be prepared, but look unprepared. That way, your opponent thinks he doesn’t have to prepare to defeat you.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If I were silent and invisible, I’d fear nobody. And if I were tasteless too, not even the cannibals or modern art… — Jarod Kintz Art Copy Share Image
“Sandwiches come in shrink-wrap—therefore, I must masturbate with gloves on. Lunchtime! The coffee’s stale but the cream will be fresh.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Leadership. I separate myself from the pack at such a great distance that it may be said that I’m a leader—a leader… — Jarod Kintz Leader Copy Share Image
“At my bachelor party I had Elton John’s “Tiny Dancer” play on repeat, while I enjoyed the spectacle of a midget stripper… — Jarod Kintz Bachelor party Copy Share Image
“We had a blast at my magical birthday party. There were midgets, fairies, glass slippers, and I actually got to ride in… — Jarod Kintz Birthday Copy Share Image
“Dora J. Arod is to Jarod Ora, as yes is to yes. Yes is also the correct answer to “Will you marry… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If love smelled like cheese, as some people assume it does, then I'd rather be a goat and make love all day… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’d rather be me being me than me trying to be my own clone. I try to stay true to who I… — Jarod Kintz Clone Copy Share Image
“I’ve lived in Jacksonville for—not sure, I get Jacksonville and Paris mixed up. I’ve never been to Paris.” — Jarod Kintz Jacksonville Copy Share Image
“A balanced argument is one that takes place entirely in my head, and doesn’t cause me to tip over.” — Jarod Kintz Argument Copy Share Image
“You know what’s right up my alley? Hobos. And they’d better move, because I set up my squatter settlement in this alley… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
