“Love will make a man do some funny things, like tightrope walking across a telephone wire, rather than simply picking up the… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“There’s a faint whiff of feces wafting up my nostrils. But that’s natural, because I just walked past a politician.” — Jarod Kintz Feces Copy Share Image
“What does it matter if you can speak two or more languages if you have nothing original to say in any language?” — Jarod Kintz Language Copy Share Image
“I’d drive a thousand miles just to learn how to conserve gas and help save the environment. But that’s just who I… — Jarod Kintz Save the environment Copy Share Image
“God created the heavens, while the devil created doubt. Here is a short list of Lucifer's other notable inventions: matches, the lighter,… — Jarod Kintz Lucifer Copy Share Image
“On cloudy days I just want to raise my arm up, stand on my toes, and screw a light bulb into the… — Jarod Kintz Light bulb Copy Share Image
“I’d rather fail to try than try and fail. But, then, I am a coward who votes with my wallet, which is… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Maybe one day I’ll be a real boy. Maybe then my untruthful nose won’t be longer than my truthfully aroused penis.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’ve just awarded myself a trophy for bicycling. It’s big and it only has one wheel. Now I’m one unicycle away from… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“I want to write a song about one man's level of commitment called, "I'd walk to the edge of the world, just… — Jarod Kintz Edge of the world Copy Share Image
“When I'm in yoga class, and I'm in the Tree Pose, I always pretend I'm the Tree of Knowledge. To help further… — Jarod Kintz Tree of knowledge Copy Share Image
“A brick could be inserted in your chest in place of your heart. And for just a couple thousand dollars more, an… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“When I wear sunglasses, the day turns shades of night, and it’s as if the blocking of the sun to my eyes… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If an actor’s neither talented nor handsome, what difference is there between him and any other waiter? That reminds me, my drink… — Jarod Kintz Actor Copy Share Image
“I admire the Stanley Cup. I’ll bet winning it could provide enough clean water for half of Africa (the middle half).” — Jarod Kintz Clean water Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used as a headstone. Or the instrument that proves “until death do us part” is faster and cheaper… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“My dad was born poor, made a fortune during his life, and then died suddenly—murdered by his only son, leaving his vast… — Jarod Kintz Life Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used in religious ceremonies. After all, it is slightly better than using live human sacrifices.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“There are so many cheeses that I can't keep track of all their names. The dairy farmers should simplify things and name… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If it’s not already written, I want to write a book called, “The Art of Raw.” But instead of using my real… — Jarod Kintz Art Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used as a bathtub tarp, keeping all the body’s heat in, and the police’s and murder victim’s wife’s… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to silence your critics. Think of it like a really thick and unchewy piece of chewing gum. ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Mr. Williquosi, I didn’t mean to stab you in your gums with your fork. I was merely trying to spoon-feed you information.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A good day is when the Oscar Meyer hotdogmobile crashes into a truck carrying Heinz ketchup, because who doesn’t like free hotdogs… — Jarod Kintz Food Copy Share Image
“I’m twice as old as she is tall. She’s half my age in height. We have a David and Goliath kind of… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“There were yogurt-colored clouds that afternoon, and I was there, blotting out your sun with a spoon.” — Jarod Kintz Sun Copy Share Image
“Experience counts for something. I count with my fingers. I could count on you, but you’ve only got one finger for me… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I talk about talking like I listen to listening—in a room with mirrored walls that makes me appreciate the infinity that is… — Jarod Kintz Communication Copy Share Image
“In a blind study conducted by jarodkintz.com, 8 out of 10 people were fans of Helen Keller. 2 out of the 10… — Jarod Kintz Education Copy Share Image
“I had a dream about you. I asked you out to coffee, and you said, “No thanks. I’m a recovering insomniac.” I… — Jarod Kintz Dreams Copy Share Image
“Not only am I thinking about getting a nose job, but I’m also trying to get employment for the rest of my… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I want to buy “A Touch of Gray,” because I’d look more distinguished with a touch of gray in my hair. Also,… — Jarod Kintz Gray hair Copy Share Image
“Contribute to No More Lies Dot Org. Every dollar you donate will bring us 75 cents closer to the truth.” — Jarod Kintz Truth Copy Share Image
“I would have sex in the backseat of my car, but from back there, how would I be able to hit the… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“My two parents represent the single greatest influence on my life. And if my dad had been there for me, it would… — Jarod Kintz Dad Copy Share Image
“We all wear uniforms, even if we’re conforming to unconformity. People who try so hard to look different end up looking the… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“My business associate said, “OK, Jarod, let’s talk turkey.” And I said, “If you want to talk turkey, you’ll have to wait… — Jarod Kintz Business Copy Share Image
“I asked possible witnesses about the invisible man shaped like a whisper, and nobody saw or heard anything. Which means he was… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to tell the time. If you can see it it’s daytime, and if you can’t see it… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Even though I know my own name (barely), I still sometimes write my name wrong. Usually it only happens when I write… — Jarod Kintz Cursive Copy Share Image
