“Pulling your head out of your ass is better than pulling your head out of a lawyer’s ass. (Limit one coupon per… — Jarod Kintz Customer Copy Share Image
“A brick can be used to represent a ruin, or the beginning of new construction. With a brick, the past is the… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“-I’m looking for a man— -There are several suspects in Topeka, Ks. that match that description. Why don’t you try there first?” — Jarod Kintz Looking for a man Copy Share Image
“I didn’t have enough money to tip the waitress, so I offered to take her out on a date, provided she paid… — Jarod Kintz Money Copy Share Image
“Love is the jelly to sunshine’s peanut butter. And if I tell you that I’m in sandwich with you, I’m not just… — Jarod Kintz Food Copy Share Image
“There are certain books in the history of the world that should never have been written. This book makes all those look… — Jarod Kintz Book Copy Share Image
“A love like mine is rare. So is the steak I just sent back to the kitchen. But you’d damn well better… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“Tomorrow is promised to no man, though I’m under the impression I have an earthly meeting with God on the day after… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used as a mule. Sure, you could argue it’d be better used as a donkey, but I’d counter… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I often feel like a camel in the mountains, and a goat in the desert. Ah, but that’s life, no?” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Love is like breakfast with Mildred. Who’s Mildred? How the heck should I know? I don’t eat breakfast.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“What does it mean to be the best? It means you have to be better than the number two guy. But what… — Jarod Kintz Loser Copy Share Image
“I make music like I make love—in a group. OK, so I’m not in a band, and I sing alone in the… — Jarod Kintz Music Copy Share Image
“Nobody is mysteriously mysterious. To be mysterious all it takes is hard work, misdirection, and a fog machine.” — Jarod Kintz Computers Copy Share Image
“I asked the girl at the coffee shop out on a date. Unfortunately she said no, probably because I asked her out… — Jarod Kintz Coffee shop Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used to mimic the mating call of my crumpled-up clone. Isn’t silence seductive? ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Met a guy named Bill once. We met in Williamsburg and discussed the Bill of Rights and duck’s beaks.” — Jarod Kintz Bill of rights Copy Share Image
“Aside from myself, there aren’t too many people trying to be me. That may change in the future, when all my clones… — Jarod Kintz Clone Copy Share Image
“I cut my face shaving, and all those little pieces of toilet paper stuck to my chin actually looked great with my… — Jarod Kintz Hair Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used as a pillow, if you first wrap it with a blanket. But if you’re shivering from being… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Americans wouldn’t be in the economic predicament we’re in, if there were no America. So we can all thank our founding fathers… — Jarod Kintz Founding fathers Copy Share Image
“I remember my first cell phone number still. I may call it and ask to speak to myself from eight years ago.… — Jarod Kintz Cell phone Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to slow down time. Sort of like a camel in a wheelchair pushed by a thirsty Arab.… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’m only 33% patriotic, because I don’t bleed red, white, and blue. I only bleed red. But I pee white and my… — Jarod Kintz Patriotic Copy Share Image
“I come bearing gifts in the form of junk food. You’re welcome. I would have brought some drugs, but I’m not a… — Jarod Kintz Gifts Copy Share Image
I want to mail my mailman something. He always brings me mail, yet I never give him any mail. Maybe he will… — Jarod Kintz Mailman Copy Share Image
“The best place to hide gold coins is in a treasure chest filled with those circular chocolates that are coin-sized and wrapped… — Jarod Kintz Gold coins Copy Share Image
“I’m not that afraid of heights. I’ve been 7,000 feet above sea level. Just so long as the land is flat, with… — Jarod Kintz Heights Copy Share Image
“Love, like lightning, can strike anytime. That’s why I say tinfoil is not just for leftovers—it’s for channeling romance into your life.” — Jarod Kintz Life Copy Share Image
“Love sounds like an elephant weighs. I know, because I’ve seen it with my own two nostrils. I’ve grown fat on the… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“Does my face not look hungry? My mouth is the path and mouthpiece to my stomach, so I’d believe what I’m telling… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Do I see value? My gut says no, but I’m willing to bet on things that may pay off big if I’m… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I hear what you say in what you don’t say, you see, because I’m a Helen Keller kind of communicator. Love is… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“It's easy to say I love you, but much harder to show it. Be bold. Be in love—and show it. Love is… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“Do something productive, like painting or procrastinating or protesting—which is just a combination of the first two.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I couldn’t steal an idea. Not even if my clone came up with it. But I could steal your heart—even if my… — Jarod Kintz Clone Copy Share Image
“I want to get the words "Courage" and "Bravery" tattooed across my back, so people could associate me with those things as… — Jarod Kintz Bravery Copy Share Image
“I don’t care that I no longer have my grandma to keep me company at the dining room table. Especially since she… — Jarod Kintz Business Copy Share Image
“I’m not good at talking. Can’t I just nod my way through a conversation? It’s better than nodding off.” — Jarod Kintz Communication Copy Share Image
“Republicans are a glass half full, and Democrats are a glass half empty. Either way, I want a new glass. I want… — Jarod Kintz Democracy Copy Share Image
