“It is possible to be a retard and a politician. In fact, it’s almost a prerequisite.” — Jarod Kintz Politician Copy Share Image
“Coffee and donuts go together like government policy and subsequent poverty.” — Jarod Kintz Coffee Copy Share Image
“If you drink, you risk divulging your secrets. Here, have another glass.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be frozen and used to cool off a warm body as you slowly thaw it out. ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’ve got ears like a rabbit, and a penis like a baby carrot—fully erect, of course.” — Jarod Kintz Erect Copy Share Image
“Patience and wisdom walk hand in hand, like two one-armed lovers.” — Jarod Kintz Hand in hand Copy Share Image
“With issues regarding nipples, I always try to stay abreast of the subject.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I could save money if I ate my coworker’s pussy for lunch, rather than going to a restaurant.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I saw two statues talking to each other. I didn’t hear what they were saying, perhaps because they were whispering.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A blanket, as the epitome of warmth, could be used to stop colds. Also, sex with me might be the surest way… — Jarod Kintz Warmth Copy Share Image
“I fell in love with a beautiful girl, got her pregnant, and then I got married. I wonder whatever happened to that… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“Out of all the guys she could love, I am two of them. But she chose my clone over me and that… — Jarod Kintz Clone Copy Share Image
“I went in the dark room. It wasn’t filled with photograph negatives, but it was filled with nighttime.” — Jarod Kintz Dark Copy Share Image
“I want to write a song called “Two Straws and a Spoon,” about one man being cuckolded by a milkshake.” — Jarod Kintz Milkshake Copy Share Image
“A brick could be utilized to teach the danger of procrastination. Ignoring the brick and pretending everything will work itself out is… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“My father taught me the most important thing about wisdom—that I was going to have to acquire it from other people. So… — Jarod Kintz Father Copy Share Image
“Ice cream is like the sun, except instead of it being hot it’s cold. Also it’s edible and tasty and won’t make… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“But back to the coffee. I was here on a mission. I just spent nearly five bucks I didn’t have for some… — Jarod Kintz Coffee Copy Share Image
“I had to be at work at 8 am this morning, so I set my alarm clock for 7:49. Naturally, my body… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“It’s amazing how my whole body can be covered up in bed except for one inch on my shoulders and I’ll be… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“One time a woman made my heart flood with love, and then fled the scene of the subsequent boating accident. Many people… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“The world needs more laws. I say this only because I believe the world needs more lawyers. If everybody was a lawyer,… — Jarod Kintz Law Copy Share Image
“Unless I’m dead, I’ll definitely be at your funeral. Just be sure to return the favor and show up at mine. Your… — Jarod Kintz Death Copy Share Image
“I could see that she was eager to please and impress me, and I was excited to see someone so excited to… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Is a picture really worth a thousand words? What thousand words? A thousand words from a lunatic, or a thousand words from… — Jarod Kintz Photography Copy Share Image
“What is art? Art is tar, rearranged. Art is tar on canvas or tar on tarp or tar on a naked body.… — Jarod Kintz Art Copy Share Image
“But I had come down here for a reason. I was looking for Thor. It was Saturday, so he was most likely… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The house is a normal-sized house, but once you step foot in the door, you are confronted with “The Dome.” Perfectly round,… — Jarod Kintz Dome Copy Share Image
“Things can go three ways—left, right, or straight. If you stand on one side, either the left or the right, you will… — Jarod Kintz Time Copy Share Image
“Her name was Rebecca. Or at least that’s what her nametag said. She was making my coffee at Starbucks as I admired… — Jarod Kintz Coffee Copy Share Image
“On his deathbed, my grandpa told me three things to remember for after he died. First he said, "You can't own a… — Jarod Kintz Friendship Copy Share Image
“Because even among contrarians, I’m a contrarian. But all of this is just words of bronze, third place rhetoric. What do I… — Jarod Kintz Contrarian Copy Share Image
