“I need to hire a babysitter for Friday night. I also need to buy myself some adult diapers.” — Jarod Kintz Babysitter Copy Share Image
“I am the kid with the dirty red shoes. That’s not dirt, it’s blood. ” — Jarod Kintz Red shoes Copy Share Image
“I thought his wooden leg was part of the table at first. My bad, buddy.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I went dumpster diving the other day, and each of the judges gave me a perfect score of 10.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The zipper on my crotch is an air vent. I need some way to cool down my hot coffee.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Before I sold used cars, I sold used horses. Mostly to glue factories.” — Jarod Kintz Horses Copy Share Image
“She had a picture of a llama, so under it I wrote, “I didn’t know you knew my brother.” — Jarod Kintz Brother Copy Share Image
“I wouldn't mind showering in the rain, if there weren't so many naked men holding umbrellas standing behind me. Who invited Congress?” — Jarod Kintz Congress Copy Share Image
“If you don’t know how to love, then any old robot or mechanical device would best suit your relationship style. In this… — Jarod Kintz Lovers Copy Share Image
“I’ll give you a glass of wine, if you give me a few drops of water from your eyes. I’m thirsty for… — Jarod Kintz Sadness Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to crush the dreams of the little guy. Especially if that little guy’s dreams are roach like… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used to say hello to all the goodbyes I’ll never see again. Keep it wrapped tight, because every… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“There is safety in numbers. And science. Clone your way to being safe. Nobody can protect you like you. And you and… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“When I hear a politician has died in a car accident, I think, “How tragic! Even if the car suffered only a… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Give yourself a hug, and while you are embracing yourself, use that time to hold yourself together.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If I woke up naked in bed with a strange British woman, my first thought would be, “How’d I get in England?”… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I wrote this because someone put a gun to my head and said, “Write.” And do you know how long it takes… — Jarod Kintz Writer Copy Share Image
“Your writing can be chosen by one publisher and hated by all readers, or it can be rejected by one publisher and… — Jarod Kintz Books Copy Share Image
“I’m not a murderer, though I have killed off billions of alternate me’s. They don’t exist because of me and my actions.… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used like a fleeglebeegle, which in turn could be used like a zoopkatofka, which itself could be used… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If love were a color, it'd be orange. Not because that's a romantic color, but because it's the sweetest. If you want… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used as a puzzle. See if you can correctly add up the number of sides. If you keep… — Jarod Kintz Puzzle Copy Share Image
“A brick is a rust-colored blur of movement, caught in a moment, and transformed from motion into a physical object. Studying this… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Coaching is the only thing where the more someone else practices, the better you get. That’s my kind of hard work. People… — Jarod Kintz Coach Copy Share Image
“A brick is a duplicate. It is a physical copy of the idea for a brick. And what’s the big idea? A… — Jarod Kintz Big idea Copy Share Image
“I’ll tell him this isn’t just a job to me, it’s a career, a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity that I’ll surely never take for… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I had a dream about you. We picked up where we left off, with leftovers, and I said this was the best… — Jarod Kintz Dreams Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to help you to become a karate master, like I am. It’s easy to punch the brick… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“It’s like Mark Twain once said to his wife, Olivia: “How many times do I have to say it—over the top!” He… — Jarod Kintz Dramatic Copy Share Image
“Thor again tutored me in the seventh grade, when I was learning Algebra. Algebra was quite an experience for me. Thor spent… — Jarod Kintz Mathematics Copy Share Image
“Jarod Kintz likes writing about himself in the third person, because he really relates to the third person. The odd man out.… — Jarod Kintz Bronze medal Copy Share Image
